Wonderful World of Wieners

2012-02-23T08:41:00.002-05:00

Fundraising site set up. Prize packages set.

Nothing left to do but to spread the word. Basically, the hardest part of all.

I've told everyone I know. I have no one left to tell. So frustrating. I have to keep spreading the word. How else will I sell more tickets and raise more money? So frustrating.

Wish there was a magic button on FB and in the blog world that lets you reach everyone, everywhere.

That would be helpful.

People donated such AMAZING raffle items. Just need to tell the world about them.

Or ask you to tell them for me. (well, with me)

And give you something for it.

One free raffle ticket.

Might not seem like much but it only takes one ticket to win.

If you blog about my fundraiser/raffle and post a link to my fundraising site, I will give you one free raffle ticket. If you mention my fundraiser/raffle and post a link on your FB page, I will give you one free raffle ticket. (if we're not friends on FB, send me a friend request- Hallie Twomey)

Simple request but one that could truly help me raise money in honor of my son.

And I need all the help I can get.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/hallie-twomey/hallietwomeysfundraisingpage

Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

If you decide to help, leave me a comment on here letting me know that you did. Don't forget to let me know which prize package you want your ticket to go towards. 16 amazing packages to choose from.

Every single dollar helps me help the New England Organ Bank. Every single donation helps keep my son's memory alive.

No donation is too small.

PRIZE LIST

2012-02-14T13:23:00.018-05:00

Ask and you shall receive. I can’t believe how many people offered up an item for my fundraiser/raffle. Without hesitation. Simply out of kindness. If not for these people, I’d have nothing to give away. Don’t ever doubt that good people exist. Because they do. They REALLY, REALLY do. Now it’s your turn...to buy tickets/make a donation to my fundraising site. For every dollar you donate, you get ONE raffle ticket. It’s that easy. And you get to choose which prize packages you want your tickets to go towards. They are all HUGE….and worth HUGE $$$$$. Some are focused on local items. Some are for anyone, anywhere. Some will allow you to travel. Some won’t make you move unless you want to. Basically, there’s something for everyone. Take a look at the packages listed below. There are 16 separate packages up for grabs. If you have any questions about ANYTHING listed, please feel free to email me. I will happily answer any/all questions. fenwaydog@roadrunner.com No matter who wins, please know that I am forever grateful to each and everyone of you for helping me help raise money for the New England Organ Bank. I miss CJ with an intensity that makes me ache. Fundraising for the Organ Bank helps keep his memory alive and honors our son. He was truly an awesome kid. Please share any/all info about my fundraiser/raffle with your friends and family. The more people that get involved, the more successful my efforts will be.

#1 - $640 TOTAL VALUE
*One hour photo shoot in Boston and 11x14 print from Amy Kelly Photography $250 http://www.amykellyphotography.com/, Haircut and Full Foil @ Bangs of Boston $190 http://www.bangsofboston.com/, Lia Sophia jewelry $200
http://www.liasophia.com/dlafean

#2 - $740 TOTAL VALUE
32” Phillips Flat Screen TV $340 local pick up only - Auburn, ME, (donated by Tim Grover), Handmade afghan $n/a (donated by Sondra Barch), Artwork “Brown & Red” Acrylic 20”x18” $400 (donated by artist Matthew Peinado)

#3 - $527.99 TOTAL VALUE
Keurig B70 Platinum coffee maker $189.99 http://www.keurig.com/ (donated by Katy Hughes), Twenty homemade greeting cards $40 (donated by Mary Ellen Cafiso), Jewelry by Nina Devine $48 www.etsy.com/shop/featherandearth, Home Depot gift card $100 (donated by Anne Gordon), Barnes & Noble gift card $25 (donated by Alice Bagley), American Express gift card $25 (donated by Dottie Williams), Vera Bradley Purse & Wallet $60 http://www.northcountrycottage.com/, 5x7 Original Watercolor $40 http://www.kelliesartblog.blogspot.com/

#4 - $503.99 TOTAL VALUE
4 day vacation at GOTTA HAVE FAITH cabin in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee $463.99 To be used by 12/31/12 but can push into 2013 if necessary http://www.homeaway.com/ (Listing #297026) (donated by Kim and Britt Spera), Heartshop Jewelry $40 www.etsy.com/shop/TheHeartShop, Artwork handpainted by Debra Estep (donated by Deb Estep)

#5 - $1075.00 TOTAL VALUE
Four VIP tickets to Central Park Opera in New York City - $1000. Two shows – Tosca and Madame Butterfly – winner gets two tickets to each summertime show - VIP section includes lunch and wine bar - seats are center orchestra. Fully staged operas – 40,000 people in attendance. Led by Maestro La Selva. http://www.newyorkgrandopera.org/ (donated by Lucia Palmieri), Jewelry by Helen Gardner $75

#6 - $553.00 TOTAL VALUE
2 lift tickets to Sugarloaf Ski Resort $158 http://www.sugarloaf.com/, Handmade afghan $n/a (donated by Steph Delger), Box of Hand Cut Perfectly Aged USDA Choice NY Strip Steaks from Dole & Bailey $250 shipped to winner http://www.doleandbailey.com(donated/ by Ed Brylczyk), Learn 2 Skate @ Rye Airfield $50 http://www.ryeairfield.com/ , Aquaboggan Passes $80 http://www.aquabogganwaterpark.com/, Subway gift card $15 (donated by Amanda Polito)

#7 - $625.95 TOTAL VALUE
Autographed Tim Sample DVD $24.95 http://www.timsample.com/, Autographed hat worn by Patrick Dempsey (donated by A. Currier), 4 Tickets to Bob Marley’s December Holiday show @ Merrill Auditorium, multiple cd’s and dvd’s, Upta Camp gear $500 http://www.bmarley.com/, Autographed copy of Making Waves: The Story of Maine’s Bob Crowley – competed on Survivor $71 (donated by A. Currier), Jeff Gordon and Jimmy Johnson candle/coaster gift pack $30 www.villagecandle.com

#8 - $524.95 TOTAL VALUE
Luxury 1 bedroom king suite weekend night voucher @ Staybridge Suites in Chantilly, VA – 20 minutes outside of Washington, DC – 5 minutes from Dulles Airport – 5 minutes from Udvar-Hazy National Air and Space Museum approx. $119 http://www.staybridgechantilly.com/, (donated by Ann Marie Charland), VISA gift card $75 (donated by Kim and Tammy), Jewelry from Lori Nusbaum $180, Yo-Yo table runner (donated by Marissa and Susan), Arbonne products $90 (donated by Laura Charloff), Autographed Tim Sample DVD $24.95, Custom throw pillow $36 www.etsy.com/shop/OliveHandmade

#9 - $492.85 TOTAL VALUE
Three month membership in the Chocolate of the month club $92.85 http://www.amazingclubs.com/ (donated by Kimmy Marcotte), VISA gift card $75 (donated by Kim and Tammy), Restaurant.com gift card $50 http://www.restaurant.com/ (donated by Steph Melillo), Arbonne gift card $100 http://www.gduncan.myarbonne.com/, Amazon.com gift card $50 (donated by Mary Genereux), Target gift card $25 (donated by Maria Capamaccio), Jewelry from Vickie Lajoie $75 www.etsy.com/shop/TreasuresOfEarth, Home Depot gift card $25 (donated by Gayle Nigro)

#10 - $616.00 TOTAL VALUE
Two rounds of golf @ Foxridge Golf Club $44 http://www.foxridgegolfclub.com/, One round of golf@ Dunegrass $33 http://www.dunegrass.com/, Adidas Sunglasses $191(donated by Dr. Doug Henry), Custom Shirt gift card @ J. Hilburn $100 http://www.jenniferhardock.jhilburn.com/, Starbucks gift card $50 (donated by Steph Munch), Lost Valley Family pack of 4 lift tickets $180 http://www.lostvalleyski.com/, 2 Sea Dogs tickets – 5/20/2012 $18 (donated by Bonnie & Jed Troubh)

#11 - $627.65 TOTAL VALUE
Three month membership Martial Arts Program $207 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Pats Pizza gift card $40, JEM Motorsports gift card (S. Paris, Me.) & Kawasaki sweatshirt $109.95 http://www.jemmotorsports.com/, Flagship Cinema gift card $25 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Haircut @ Gregory’s, Auburn, ME $29, Framed Photo $40 sandymue@aol.com (donated by Susan Orr), ½ hr Massage @ Serenity Bodywork Studio $30 (donated by Ashley Lessard), Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, Five classes @ Chill Yoga $60 http://www.chillyoga.net/, (donated by Nerys Bayley), Sam’s Italian gift card $61.70, http://www.samsitalian.com/

#12 - $605.00 TOTAL VALUE
One year membership Filipino Stick and Knife Arts Program $300 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, ½ hr massage @ Serenity Bodywork Studio $30 (donated by Ashley Lessard), Dimillos On The Water gift card $50 www.dimillos.com/restaurant, Flagship Cinema gift card $25 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Reny’s gift card $25 http://www.renys.com/, Basket of Ella’s Chocolate’s http://www.ellaschocolates.com/, Nantucket Basket with paperwhites $44 (donated by Jerri Twomey), Roger’s Haircutter’s gift card & product - Auburn, Me. $30, Two tickets to LA Community Little Theatre $36 http://www.laclt.com/, Jewelry by Danielle Green $40

#13 - $693.50 TOTAL VALUE
Six month membership Youth Fitness Program $210 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, YWCA 6 week swim lessons $60 http://www.ywcamaine.org/, Sweetwater Day Spa gift card $25 http://www.sweetwaterdayspa.com/, Bracelet from Silvermade Studio $28.50www.etsy.com/shop/SilverMadeStudio, Davinci’s Eatery gift card $25 http://www.davinciseatery.com/, Spring/Gardening Basket of Goodies $50 http://www.perfectbasketofmaine.com/, Jewelry & Cards from Pam Bumbaca $30(donated by Pam Bumbaca), Four movie passes to Flagship Cinema $30 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Handmade Toddler Sweater $35 (donated by Heidi Hinckley), Custom built pine container - 3' tall - will be personalized for winner $175 (donated by Romeo Hines)

#14 - $518.75 TOTAL VALUE
Four tickets to Comedy Connection $60 http://www.mainecomedy.com/, Pampered Chef items $40.50 www.pamperedchef.biz/pegbauer, Private tour/tasting for 10 people @ Baxter Brewing Co. $200 http://www.baxterbrewing.com/, Four Portland Sea Dogs box seat tickets - not available to public 6/28/12 @ 7pm $36 (donated by Baxter Brewing Co.), Homemade Salsa & afghan $n/a (donated by Mary Anne Brissette), Foreside Tavern gift card $25 http://www.theforesidetavern.com/, Silly’s Restaurant gift card $20 http://www.sillys.com/, 1 month family membership to YMCA $54.50 (donated by YMCA), Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, Just Kim purse $57.75 h http://www.justkimaccessories.com/

#15 - $545 TOTAL VALUE
2 hr sail aboard the Schooner Surprise on Penobscot Bay & Print $70 http://www.camdenmainesailing.com/, Sea Dogs Brewing Co. gift card $25 http://www.seadogbrewing.com/, Coastal Maine Popcorn gift card $25 http://www.coastalmainepopcorn.com/, Huge assortment of Scrapbooking supplies $300 (donated by Cindi Lucas), Mary Kay Basket of goodies $125 (donated by Susan Torney), Handpainted artwork by Debra Estep (donated by Deb Estep)

#16 - $100+ TOTAL VALUE (tix value not yet known)
2 tickets to 2012 Red Sox game @ Fenway Park (value not yet known) date to be determined (donated by Northeast Security), Autographed Curt Shilling baseball – signed at Spring training 2004 $100 (donated by Cindy Morrison)

BUY RAFFLE TICKETS HERE!!!!!!!!

2012-01-25T11:00:00.003-05:00

Four simple requests:

*If you have an item you'd like to contribute to the raffle (for those that have asked, gift cards are the easiest thing to contribute but almost anything is fair game), please email me (fenwaydog@roadrunner.com) and let me know. Thank you to those that have already sent me an item and to those that said you will do so. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Keep them coming!

*If you haven't yet, please head over to my fundraising site and buy raffle chances. (Already over $1400.00 raised) The prize list keeps growing: 32" flat screen TV, gift cards, tickets to sporting events, high end Keurig coffee maker, jewelry, VIP tickets to the Central Park Opera, 4 day vacation in a grogeous log cabin, autographed sports memorabilia, massages, private brewery tour/tasting, Vera Bradley items, ski resort lift tickets and more) There's something for everyone.

*If you live anywhere near Auburn, ME, please sign up to donate blood at our blood drive on April 16th from 11-4pm. PLEASE???? If you are physically able to donate, why wouldn't you? You won't have to wait around because I will schedule you into a time slot, you will get coupons for free stuff just for showing up and you will be helping us honor the memory of our son. Please email me (fenwaydog@roadrunner.com)
for an appointment. I have a lot of appts available.

*Share this info with everyone you know. Word of mouth truly does make a difference.

THANK YOU.

2012-01-19T11:41:00.003-05:00

April 15th marks the 2 year anniversary of CJ’s death.

Can’t believe that it’s been almost 2 years.

Unreal and impossible.

How has it been that long since that gorgeous smile left my world? How can it be so many months ago when it feels like it happened just yesterday?

People say that time heals all wounds but 2 years isn’t enough time when your son took his own life. Not sure 20 years will be enough time to dull that pain.

Trying to keep busy to ward off the tears that threaten constantly. Staying busy doesn’t necessarily stop the tears, it just lessens them some days.

Gearing up for the second Blood Drive we are hosting in memory of our beloved Shmoops. It will again be held on April 16th, the day after the 2 year anniversary. Lost Valley Ski Resort has once again graciously donated their lodge as the drive site. The blood drive will be held from 11-4pm.

I will start registering people to donate blood asap. Need to sign up approximately 120 people to reach my target goal of units collected so if you’re local, know that I’m going to ask you to give. I want to surpass the units collected last year. Won’t bring CJ back but it will help make a difference in the lives of others. I am hard on myself and I do get sad when I don’t accomplish what I’ve set out to do. Add to that the fact that I am doing this as a way to keep my son’s memory alive and you get one terribly depressed mom if her goal isn’t met. May not make sense but not much does in my world since CJ chose to leave it.

**Regardless of what the Red Cross promotion is in the month of April for those that donate blood, (last year it was a 6" Subway coupon for all who donated) you will also get a BUY ONE TICKET, GET ONE TICKET FREE coupon to Flagship Cinemas. AND....a coupon for $1 off popcorn. AND....a free raffle ticket (read more about that below) THANK YOU SO MUCH TO CRAIG GODDARD for getting Flagship to agree to such a great deal!

In addition to the blood drive (because I can’t sit still and don’t seem to know how to do anything small), I am holding a massive fundraiser/raffle to benefit the New England Organ Bank. Raising awareness about organ donation is something I’ve been passionate about most of my life. Organ donation is what allows my Dad to exist. Without the generosity of another family, he wouldn’t be here.

We donated CJ’s organs at the time of his death. The decision to give others a chance at life was easy….saying goodbye to our beautiful son was not. The New England Organ Bank was involved with us from the very beginning. They helped make the single worst moment of our lives a little easier. CJ’s liver, his left kidney and both his lungs are thriving in people as I type. Sadly, the recipient of his heart and his right kidney did not survive…but CJ’s organs gave them a chance.

I hope to raise as much money as I possibly can for the New England Organ Bank. It is through their efforts that people become more aware of the importance of becoming an organ donor. Education is key. People need to know that being an organ donor is the single greatest gift you can ever give.

In the next few weeks, I will be posting tons of information regarding the raffle. Tickets can be purchased online or in person and will be sold now through April 16th. We will draw the winners at the end of the Blood Drive. (you don’t need to be present to win)

I have been BLOWN AWAY by the items I have received so far and continue to ask everyone I can think of to donate an item for the raffle. One week in to my “PLEASE DONATE SOMETHING FOR MY RAFFLE AND YOUR GENEROSITY WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN” period and I already have tickets to sporting events, ski lift tickets, jewelry, a 4 night stay in a GORGEOUS cabin, lots of chocolate, VIP tickets to the Central Park Opera, a 32” flat screen TV, $180 worth of steaks and more.

Once all items have been accounted for, I will split the items into RAFFLE PACKAGES. For each dollar that you donate either online (DONATE) or in person, you will receive one raffle chance. You can then choose exactly which RAFFLE PACKAGES you want your tickets to be entered into. If you want them all to go to one prize package, great. If you want them split up amongst five or six prize packages, so be it. Or, if it doesn’t matter, I will randomly disperse them amongst the drawings.

I will post pictures and a full description of each prize package here on my blog, on Facebook and on the website (DONATE) where you can pledge money.

The next few weeks will find me obsessively organizing all the details for both the blood drive and the fundraiser. (BUSY IS GOOD)

If I haven’t already asked and you have something you’d like to donate for the raffle, I’d love to hear from you. Tickets to an event (anything after April 16th), artwork, jewelry, gift cards in any amount, food items, craft items, handmade items, etc. Basically, anything you can think of. And if you donate a raffle item, you get a free ticket for the raffle.

Thanks in advance for helping me, help others.

I can never bring my son back (God knows I would give up my own life to do so) but I can make a difference in the lives of others.

Right now, that’s about all I have left.

****Even though the PRIZE PACKAGES are not yet listed, you can still be one of the first to DONATE online. I will contact you directly when I add the prize list so you can tell me exactly how you want your raffle tickets divided up. The prize packages will all be amazing. The $$$ amount of the items I already have are HUGE!!

2011-12-27T17:43:00.007-05:00

****ANGEL BOBBIE IS THE LUCKY RECIPIENT OF THE SCRAPBOOKING SOFTWARE. Bobbie, sent you an email. Hope it got to you. If you don't get it, please email me at fenwaydog@roadrunner.com

After CJ died, I was encouraged to make a scrapbook as a way to preserve his photos.

So I did.

It wasn't easy and it's not that good, but I did it.

And now I have it forever.

Connor saw CJ's completed book and asked for his own.

So I did that too.

And now he has it forever.

Not sure his is the greatest either but it's complete and was done out of love.

While working to finish Connor's book, I mentioned to John how much easier this would have been had I made the scrapbook using software. I have so many pics that are only digital - it just seemed like digital scrapbooking software would be an easier way to go.

But I wasn't really planning on pursuing it.

Until now.

Out of the blue, I was contacted by Liz @ MyMemories.com and asked if I would like to receive a free copy of their My Memories Suite Version 3 software program to use and review. She also offered to give me a second copy to give away to one of my blog readers.

***Let me jump in and say that getting offered to review products is not unusual in the blogging world. I have been asked before and generally turned down most items as it's just not been my thing. Since CJ's death, I have absolutely refused any/all offers. Just haven't been blogging much and don't really care so much about the same things I cared about before. But with this product, I decided to go ahead and try it. I couldn't turn down an opportunity to preserve CJ's photos. Those photos are all I have left of my beloved son. I would do anything to keep them safe and accessible forever. Getting an extra copy to give away is just an added bonus. I would have taken Liz's offer even without the extra copy.

Liz also gave me a Share the Memories code that provides a $10 discount off the purchase price of the My Memories Suite Version 3 program as well as a $10 coupon for use in the MyMemories.com store.

If you don't win the free copy, you can use the code below to get the discounted price and coupon.

STMMMS53538

You can use the above code to purchase your own copy HERE.

Been playing around with the program tonight and can already see why people like it. It's pretty easy to use although I'm still learning all it has to offer. I think I'd have a much easier time using it if I wasn't crying as I create. Looking at his smiling face over and over, makes my heart physically ache. The tears are inevitable. Have had to stop many times but managed to get a test album started. Would happily share it with you but can not figure out how to link it on here. Will keep trying.

If you'd like to enter to win your own copy of the My Memories Suite Version 3 digital scrapbooking program, click HERE and take a look around. Liz asked that those interested in winning, take a peak at her website.

Once you've had a chance to look around, come back over here and leave a comment - let me know that you saw the site and that you'd like to enter to win the software.

It's that simple....which is a good thing. If it were anymore complicated than that, I wouldn't go through with this. Truly too sad to deal with anything difficult.

I'll pick a random winner on Friday. Actually, will make John do it. Will just tell him to pick a number between 1 and whatever the total number of entries is and that will be the one.

Not sure if anyone reads my blog anymore. It's been nothing but depressing for so long - wouldn't blame people for jumping ship. Guess if very few people read/enter, the odds for those that do will be better.

Thanks to Liz for contacting me.

You've given me a way to cherish CJ's memory.

Such a priceless gift.

2011-12-27T09:08:00.000-05:00

Three of anything makes me sad.

Three is the loneliest number…now.

We were never a THREE. We were always a FOUR.

Too many things this holiday season forced me to remember our minus one state.

Stockings.

The worst.

A concrete visual of what was. And what isn’t.

They didn’t go up.

They won’t ever go up again.

Gifts of three.

Three breads. Three cookies. Three ornaments.

Three ANYTHING.

Please don’t ever give us three.

Give us two. Or four. Or one.

Give us anything that doesn’t equal three.

Even nothing is better than three.

Three is just too hard.

2011-12-08T14:27:00.002-05:00

Guilt is getting the best of me lately. Not sure I will ever feel less guilty.

I was not everything I could have been for CJ. I tried. But I lacked in many ways.

Those who tell me otherwise don't truly know.

I loved him. But I failed him.

Trying desperately not to fail Connor.

Suicide is a hideous beast.

But so is hindsight.

Love you Shmoops.

2011-11-18T13:16:00.000-05:00

I left FB because it became overwhelming.

When you begin to dread opening something up for fear of what you might see, it’s time to walk away.

When you start resenting other’s happiness…when you find yourself cringing at every mention of joy…when you realize that you’re wishing for a little less bliss for everyone…..it’s REALLY time to walk away.

And when you start hating yourself for feeling all those things, something has to give.

Because honestly?

I hate myself enough already. Adding more hate to the equation isn’t helpful.

But walking away was hard.

For me.

It was.

For others, maybe not.

But me?

It was.

For 19+ months, it’s provided more support than not. It’s offered me a lifeline to the world outside my own private hell. It’s shown me how loved I am…how loved my whole family is…how missed CJ will always be.

Basically, it’s made me feel less alone.

Which is good.

Because CJ’s suicide made me feel more alone than any other time in my life.

My son argued with me. My son ran outside. My son put a gun to his head. My son pulled the trigger. My son ended his life.

How many moms get to say that?

Very few. Thankfully.

Alone in my own special hell.

Yeah me.

So it helped. More than not…most days.

But not all days.

Which is why I left.

Words aren’t always helpful.

Not even when they come from a “helpful” place.

Sometimes, THOSE words are the least helpful of all.

I’m not CHOOSING this misery. I’m not CHOOSING this pain. I’m not CHOOSING to be as crushed and destroyed and devastated as I am.

Who would choose that?

Some comments, some updates, some emails seem to insinuate that I was. That I am.

NO OFFENSE INTENDED is the exact wrong way to start a “supportive” email.

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT is utter BS to a mom whose son took his life. Do you believe this is what I wanted my life to be like? For his life to be like? For ANYONE’S life to be like?

I want your friendship. I need your support. I CRAVE your words.

But I can’t handle the SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON advice.

So I walked away.

And believed I’d stay away. I really did.

For one week I stayed away.

Wasn’t wonderful but it was necessary.

Had to decide if it helped more than it hurt.

Still not totally sure.

But I’m back...for now.

2011-10-27T10:52:00.000-04:00

I feel like a broken record.

Can't stop thinking that although life is hard, it can get way harder....for no reason.

Out of the blue, I find myself distraught all over again. The last 2 weeks have been really hard. And I'm not sure why.

CJ is still gone. He hasn't come back. He hasn't shot himself all over again. He's as dead and gone as he was almost 19 months ago.

Yet, his loss is as fresh as it was then. It really is. (Don't blame you if you don't believe that. Seems impossible even to me.)

I can be thinking, "what's for dinner" or "I really need to call Kimmy" one second then SEE the shattered glass of his car window, HEAR me screaming over and over, SMELL the antiseptic stench of his hospital room as if it's happening all over again.

And if I can't stop the onslaught of memories, I end up fixated on those last moments.

The last words we spoke. The last argument. The look on his face as he ran out of the house.

His swollen head.

His poor swollen head.

Bandaged. Bleeding. Enormous.

Touching his prickly military haircut.

Kissing his head...carefully. Trying not to hurt him with my kiss. How the hell could I hurt him anymore than he already was?

Holding his hand in mine.

Saying goodbye to my son.

I. Had. To. Say. Goodbye. To. My. Son.

Because. He. Ended. His. Life.

With. A. Gun. To. His. Head.

I'm drowning slowly.

Pain....an endless ocean.

Grief....one hell of an undertow.

2011-10-18T18:57:00.000-04:00

Finding life exceptionally hard lately. Didn't think it was possible to feel as distraught as I do for as long as I have. He left. He's gone. No more hurting for my handsome son. Wish I could say the same for me. Because I hurt. A lot. My heart continues to break. Each new day reminds me. Whoever said time heals all wounds had no idea the damage left behind by a gun. Or any real sense of time. Living after suicide is hell.

2011-09-19T11:55:00.000-04:00

It’s funny….the more I think about blogging, the less apt I am to do it. Shocks me to see it’s been almost a month since I last wrote. Shocks me even more that there was a time when I blogged everyday. I have no idea how I managed to do that. Truly. No idea. I honestly have such a hard time remembering most things since CJ’s suicide. I’m amazed that I actually remember how to log in to things connected to my life BEFORE. As much as I’d like to just shake my head to clear the cobwebs that have taken hold, I can’t. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. Most days, the best I can come up with is the knowledge that I KNOW I KNEW whatever it is I’m trying to remember…that before that horrific day in April 2010, I actually KNEW a lot of things. Now, not so much. Makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to have early onset Alzheimer’s. Not joking. I wonder all the time if I’ll even recognize if I begin to truly show the signs of Alzheimer because I think I may be there already. Can’t believe that one single gunshot, a gunshot not aimed at my head, could steal so much of me. Life remains almost impossible some days yet I get better and better at hiding that from everyone. People either don’t ask how I’m doing anymore or tell me that they are worried about me. Not sure which is easier to deal with…the people who would rather believe you are fine because the alternative makes them uncomfortable or the people who know how much pain you are in and want to call you on it. Sadly, the latter group is far more accurate in their assessment. I am more broken than even I want to admit. I hurt inside every minute of every day. It’s just that simple. John and Connor keep me going. Without them…..who knows. John continues to support me in a way that defies logic. His love and shared sorrow remind me that I’m not alone. He picks me up time and time again and offers his shoulder to cry as many times as I need it. He’s never not been there for me. He too, hides his pain from most. I suspect the tears I see are kept to an absolute minimum. He grieves silently most days whether by choice or by necessity. I think he knows that seeing him crumble makes my breaking point bubble to the surface. I know it’s not fair but it’s the truth. If it was up to me to carry the load for us, I fear we would all just fade away. Connor is the one true bright spot in my life. He chooses to keep on living despite the hell our family has dealt with. For that, I am so very proud. He misses his big brother in a way that hurts my mom heart to see but he continues to carry on in his memory. So many parts of CJ remain in Connor…the crazy way he breaks out into dance, his “I know I’m good looking” self confidence, his random hugs for no reason and the phrases/eye rolls/goofy smiles/tone of voice that pop up now and again. All of these things could have come directly from CJ. Makes me smile and cry to see them coming from Connor. 17 months later and I’m a shell of what I was. I would literally give my life to bring him back. I will never not know pain in my heart and I will never stop wishing for what was. 17 months later and I think I hurt now more than I did back then. Each day feels like a new, fresh hell. I never realized nightmares could be never ending.

2011-08-23T22:28:00.003-04:00

well this is my first entry in this blog thingy but hey mother needs to smile a bit so here it goes, If you hadn't picked up on this by now its the one, the only, the man the myth the legend, the best damn looking guy on earth...did I forget anything? whatever, it's Connor haha.
I understand my mother is upset that I'm leaving for college but she has ALL of you weinerheads, (that's right you all have a title now) to keep an eye on her and make her smile.

she knows that I'm going to act like it doesn't bother me that I'm leaving but it's just as difficult for me I'm leaving behind everything and starting over basically, who will sleep with the wieners while I'm away? At least I can count on Chauncey to keep my father from turning my bedroom into his naked room....I shudder at the thought....but I will finish this up right now.

MOM I'M NOT LEAVING I'M GOING TO BE LESS THEN AN HOUR AWAY I ALWAYS WILL LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME <3

Connor

2011-08-23T21:54:00.002-04:00

We donated blood as a family on Monday in a continued effort to honor CJ's memory. It was Connor's first official time - he tried to donate at the blood drive we held in CJ's name but was turned away due to the tattoo he got of CJ's initials. So very proud of him for agreeing to try again AND for offering to do so every 56 days from here on out. Made an enormous mistake signing up to have us donate at the same hospital where CJ died. It never dawned on me that the last time I walked through those doors, I was saying goodbye to my beloved son. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Tried desperately not to cry. Had to blink away a lot of tears. Won't make that mistake again.

Someone I love and cherish believes that the first year of this nightmare was walked by us all in shock. That only now, as the shock wears thin, are we truly having to "live" again. That everyday is so damn hard because, without the shock to mask the pain, every second is painfully real. I sadly agree.

I always knew that someday my kids would grow up and move on with their lives. But when one of your children won't ever come home again, it makes letting go of the other one nearly impossible. I'm truly thrilled for Connor that he's starting on this new chapter but watching him walk out that door is harder than I ever imagined.

I'm really sad. Sadder than most people will ever know. I often wonder if anyone sees how really dead inside I am. Probably not. Why would they want to?

2011-07-29T10:56:00.004-04:00

If the day comes when the pain is less, I'll tell you.

If the time comes when the guilt diminishes, I'll tell you.

If the morning comes when the nightmare isn't so vivid, I'll tell you that too.

Trust me.

I will.

Until then, stop telling ME those things will happen.

I just don't believe you.

I want to, but I can't.

I can't imagine a time when I'll feel any differently than I did then...than I do now.

No amount of time will ever make me un-know what I know. Make me un-hear what I heard. Make me un-see what I saw.

His death isn't what haunts me. Death is part of life. I get that.

If it was just his death I was grieving, I might believe you.

But it's not just his death.

It's everything about his death....the circumstance...the sounds...the smell...the method...the placement...the tragedy....the unending visuals...the why.

Suicide not only robbed me of my son, it robbed me of "normal" grief.

I am a shell of what I was.

Smiling hurts so much now.

A painful mask.

Yet I wear it.

For what lies beneath is so much worse.

2011-07-21T21:43:00.003-04:00

Material things do not ease pain. Or fill gaping holes in broken hearts.

Not that we truly believed they would. We simply HOPED (while drinking the largest glass of invisible yet powerful denial juice) that our new "things" would happily numb us to the point where we weren't crying at least twice a day.

Yep, that was our wish.

Didn't come true.

At all.

Since CJ chose to end his life with a gun, we have purchased some stuff. Stuff we didn't necessarily need but stuff we had always wanted. Stuff that gives us AT LEAST brief moments of smiles AT LEAST once in awhile.

None of them do much more than that. Maybe they let us "forget" for a moment or two. Or maybe, if we're really lucky, almost and hour or two. But that's it.

Walk away from these things, heck, look away from these things and the worst possible reality awaits us.

It's cold hearted kick in the gut waits for us no matter how much new STUFF we fill our lives with.

Nope, stuff doesn't make this better.

None of it does.

Not John's new Audi TT convertible that Connor and he flew to Alabama to purchase and then drove home to Maine.

Not our new 60" gorgeous wall mounted LED flat screen TV.

Not my new 2012 Volvo S60 T5 that does everything but my laundry.

Not my new Prada bag, THE PRADA BAG I always dreamed of owning yet knew unless I won the lottery, I would never own. No one was more shocked than I when a family member purchased it for me in a loving attempt to make me smile.

None of it.

Means anything to me.

None of it.

Means more to me than my son.

None of it.

Means my son will come back.

None of it.

Means my heart will ever stop breaking.

We got new stuff.

Yet, my heart still dies a little more each day.

Aren't I lucky?

2011-07-10T18:53:00.005-04:00

Everything reminds me of CJ.

Every song, every smell, every sound in some way or another reminds me of the son I no longer have.

And that's hard. Really, really hard.

Didn't realize until this weekend that one thing...no, one person reminds me more than anything of what is no more.

Yet, I love seeing this person more than I can describe.

This person adored my CJ. And my CJ adored this person.

They were almost 20 years apart in age yet age didn't matter.

They both lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July when they saw each other and they both made other people happy.

Their time together was cherished. He made her giggle and she made him feel important.

She talked about him as much as her little vocabulary allowed and he beamed with pride when he spoke of her.

They just clicked from the get go.

Now he's gone.

But she isn't.

His whole life came and went in less than 21 years yet her life is just starting.

That one thought brought me to tears as I watched her play this weekend.

She will never see him again.

She might even forget about him.

Breaks my heart.

MY beloved CJ is gone.

HIS precious Sarah is still here.

I think I'll always cry a little inside when I see her cheesy smile.

Hard not to.

Someone else had one just like it.

2011-07-03T00:01:00.000-04:00

He would have been 22 years old today.

It's not getting any easier.

I miss you Shmoops.

2011-06-22T12:11:00.002-04:00

I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Anxiety? Who knows. Never had it before CJ died so not really sure I know what it is.

Seems like the closer CJ's 22nd birthday gets (or what would have been his 22nd bday), the more out of sorts I get. Fidgety, teary, withdrawn, moody, distraught. Pick a word. They ALL fit.

Happens on the 14th and 15th of every month too. Just no way to stop my mind, body and soul from remembering the nightmare that played on those two days last year. Doesn't matter that the nightmare happened in April....every 14th and 15th stand tall as reminders of my hell on earth.

Wish it wasn't that way. But it is. Maybe someday it won't be. But not yet.

Have had some really tough days and nights lately. Some people know about. Some I've kept hidden in the darkest recesses of my mind.

Months ago, I wrote that crying doesn't only happen on the outside. That it happens on the inside as well. When I wrote it, I THOUGHT it made sense.

Now I KNOW it does.

I can actually hear and feel my tears when no tears visibly show. It's a very odd sensation. And by odd, I mean awful. Hard to explain. But real nonetheless.

Not sure what we will do this year on his birthday. Last year, we ran away. This year, just not sure. Considered doign something big. Or something memorable. Considered doing a lot of different things.

Came to no conclusions.

May just sit at the end of my driveway. In the space where it happened. Wishing like hell that everything was different. Weeping inside knowing that we can never go back.

I'm powerless to change the outcome of that day.

No one thought crushes me as much as that one.

2011-06-08T00:01:00.001-04:00

I've loved him forever.

At 16.

At 17.

And at 21.

Life is better with him by my side.

I draw strength from him when I can't go on.

He makes me smile when no one else can.

I feel safest in his arms.

I am a better person because of him.

In this lifetime, I will never know a more wonderful man.

He takes my breath away.

I thank God everyday that he chose me for his wife.

20 years

6/8/91

"never second best"

I love you.

2011-06-05T21:27:00.004-04:00

My head is spinning with thoughts tonight.

Yesterday and today were wonderfully amazing.

We are BEYOND proud of our amazing second born son. Connor has graduated high school and is preparing to start on the next chapter of his life.

A HUGE accomplishment, one that takes our breath away.

And he did it DESPITE the hellish year we have endured.

I stand in awe of his strength and fortitude.

I truly could not be more impressed with him than I am today.

Yet, yesterday and today were so bittersweet and utterly sad at the same time.

I am not sure if, over the last 13 months, I have ever been more aware of what's missing in our family. I can literally see CJ's graduation party as if it was only a moment ago. I can see him wearing the same maroon cap and gown, standing in the same places around our house, posing for the same pictures. I can see him everywhere that day...and I can see his brother by his side.

Because Connor WAS there for his brother's graduation. And party. And celebration.

He WAS in the family pictures and in the pictures of just my two boys.

Yesterday and today, CJ was NOT in those pictures. Or at the party. Or involved in the celebration.

It was one of the saddest moments I've had since my first born son took his life.

I did everything in my power to be happy for Connor and our guests. To show the world how proud I am of him. I smiled all day so Connor would know I love him.

Made it until 10:00 tonight. Then I lost it.

Cried on my son's shoulder as he held me and handed me many Kleenex. I cried a lot. I cried because I am blessed to have such a strong son. I cried because I never want him to think he can't come to us. But mostly I cried because he no longer has a big brother....that one single thought trumps all other thoughts.

So I cried on my strong son's shoulder as he held me and listened to my weepy rantings.

I love him even more now for doing that. He really is growing up.

I did not realize how hard this day would be. I feel physically and emotionally drained.

Just didn't know these feelings would blindside me like they did.

I love both my sons to the moon and back.

I would give up my life if I could bring them back together.

I honestly would.

The tears just keep coming...

2011-05-17T22:03:00.002-04:00

I apologize.

So many of you have asked if it's ok if you send a graduation card to Connor. Some said they just wanted to send along a card to congratulate him and wish him well for next year. Some said they'd like to send a gift of some sort. Some just asked for our address.

I almost didn't respond because I don't want anyone feeling pressured to do anything. And I certainly don't want people to think I am suggesting you send him a monetary gift.

I don't want anyone to do anything they don't want to.

So I almost didn't write this entry.

But now, as I'm hopped up on Ambien, I decided I would post our address so that those that WANT to send him something, can. So many people asked....I might as well post it in one place.

This kid has gone through hell and back and definitely could use well wishes from anyone and everyone that wants to send them. As his mom, I love the idea that people all over - friends in real life and friends through the computer - want to make my son feel special after the horrible year he has had to endure.

Yep, Ambien helped me see things clearly.

God bless my meds.

So....If you want to do something for him, please do.

He's a great kid and has stood by our side as we've navigated our way through this hellish nightmare.

He certainly deserves to feel loved and to feel special in as many ways as possible.

So thanks to all those that asked and to those that might consider sending him something to celebrate this amazing milestone in his life.

I can't thank you enough for loving on my son.

Our address:

Connor Twomey
83 Orchard Street
Auburn, ME 04210

Can't believe on June 4th, my baby boy will be both a high school graduate and a future college student.

UNREAL.

Seems like just yesterday his big brother was kissing his sweet head for the first time as he welcomed him into our family.

2011-05-15T21:33:00.002-04:00

I can't believe there was ever a time that I blogged on a regular basis. Seems like a million years ago that I looked forward to putting my crazy thoughts down in words for you all to read...or not. Blogging was such a wonderful and amazing outlet for me. I talked about the good, the bad and the silly. I wrote with glee about my life and my family and all those things that I find interesting.

Knowing that I did that a mere 13 months ago with ease truly shocks me.

Today, as I have almost everyday of the last 13 months, I find myself struggling to write anything. Which is ironic. Because I have so many thougths in my head. SO. MANY. THOUGHTS.

I hesitate to write them. I struggle to write them. I physically can't write them most days.

One full year plus has passed since CJ took his life and I am still living in a fog. People will say that I seem ok and in some ways I am. I have learned to move through each day one step at a time. That's a good thing. But I expect the worst to happen every single moment of every day. That's a bad thing. I never lived like that before. But now I can't help it. It's just a horrible bi product (sp?) of CJ's suicide. I didn't see that coming. Now I just assume other bad things will happen. Things I didn't see coming either.

I miss that kid of mine. I think missing him is happening at a cellular level because it feels like it's deeper than my core. The ache I feel comes from heart, behind my heart, beneath my heart....it comes from everywhere. I am sad to the nth degree. My pain is my own to bear. I expect to be sad until the day I die. I expect to feel empty until I take my last breath. I KNOW I will never stop crying. The tears come so easy. They help and they hurt. They just come.

I live now for my beloved Connor. He has become the most amazing son. He makes me feel loved when I think I'm unlovable. I let his brother down. For that, I suspect I'm not worthy of love. Yet Connor tells me he loves me. And hugs me. And says thank you for the small things I do for him. His love reminds me that I am still blessed with one fantastic gift from God. I hope he always knows how much I love him. I hope I won't ever let him down like I did my Shmoops.

John remains by my side even though I am not always a great wife. I can't always do much more than snuggle with him. I know I'm depressed and that it effects him. I cook very little and I certainly don't do all the things around the house that I used to. Somedays, I just want to cry for what I lost. My baby is gone and I didn't tell him I loved him at the end. It's so hard to know that I failed in those last moments. I don't want to fail John. He is my rock and I need to make sure he knows that I love him more now than ever before.

I don't tell people that I cry because I think it would scare them away. Not all my friends, but some. I would be totally lost without a few of my closest friends. Without Kimmy and Ryan, I wouldn't be able to be happy ever. They are my family in every sense of the word. I love Kim like my sister. Being away from her for too long makes me intensely sad. She means everything to me. And I love Ryan. He is the one person that can make me smile with a simple word or gesture. He just knows what I need, when I need it. I truly love them both with all my heart. I will never take them for granted.

I'm crying. For what I have. And for what I don't have.

My heart is so broken.

Life is scary and is getting scarier.

My work situation is not good right now and I feel scared. I love the agency I've worked at for the last 12 years. I can't imagine not being a part of it. All I can do is wait and see.

Just another thing that makes my overall sadness even sadder.

John's health is not great and that scares me. I love that man more than I love myself. I can't lose him.

Recent rumors have caused John and I pain during a time we just don't have the energy to deal with it. Rumors hurt. Rumors that are not true are destructive.

I'm exhausted. Wonder if I'll recognize my breaking point.

Feels like it might be closer than I want.

Wonder what I'll do.

So very sad.

2011-05-02T20:36:00.002-04:00

Haven't blogged in several weeks. Think I was hoping for a miracle...hoping that Day 366 would bring some sort of peace and/or calmness to our lives.

So many people said that getting through the first year, the first of everything major, would be the worst. Heard that so much that I began to believe it. Figured if those first 365 days were THE WORST than days 366+ would be better.

LIES.

Day 366 was as horrible and as shitty as days 1-365. It simply was.

I would give anything to tell you differently. I truly would.

But I can't.

CJ's suicide brought so much pain and sadness to our hearts. I never realized how much I valued his craziness. And his goofiness. And his million dollar smile.

Suicide ended his life.

But suicide will never be gone from ours.

It actually continues to wreak havoc. It continues to crush and destroy my family. It continues to cast it's horrifying net over our lives.

We will never be free of this beast. If we lived another 100 years, we still could not escape the ramifications that come from such a tragic ending.

Call me dramatic but it's true. CJ's suicide altered the course of our lives permanently. We will never BE the people we were BEFORE. We will never KNOW what people we may have become if BEFORE hadn't happened.

Pretty sad thought.

Not sure how the new us will turn out but I thank God I have John and Connor by my side as we find out.

They are both amazing and I love them dearly.

Felt the same way about Shmoops.

Wish I told him that more often.

2011-04-15T05:00:00.000-04:00

“GIVING UP DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN YOU ARE WEAK. SOMETIMES, IT JUST MEANS YOU’RE STRONG ENOUGH TO LET GO.”

I love you CJ.

2011-04-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

CJ's wake included a beautiful slide show of our wonderful son accompanied by the following songs. Although his wake was one of the saddest moments in my life, the music brings me comfort. I downloaded the songs from the slide show onto my laptop and listen to them over and over. It won't bring my son back but it somehow makes me feel closer to him.

My brother and sister-in-law graciously put the slide show together. It is to them I owe my heartfelt thanks for gathering songs that truly reflect my beloved Shmoops.

Thought today, if you wanted a way to connect to our CJ, you could listen to the songs in the order they were played that day.

You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

Shower The People - James Taylor

He's My Son - Mark Schulz

Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel

I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

Water Is Wide - James Taylor

You've Got a Friend - James Taylor

Imagine - John Lennon

In a Little While - U2

Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

Your Song - Elton John

And So It Goes - Billy Joel

Your Smiling Face - James Taylor

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

Climb On - Shawn Colvin

Fire & Rain - James Taylor

Near You Always - Jewel

Piano Man - Billy Joel

You Can Close Your Eyes - James Taylor

When I Look At The World - U2

How Sweet It Is - James Taylor

2011-04-12T11:27:00.003-04:00

For the next few days, there’s nothing you can really do for John, Connor and I. There simply isn’t. The only thing we TRULY want and TRULY need isn’t something anyone can do. The truth hurts. TREMENDOUSLY. The only thing you can do for us, isn’t for us at all. It’s not really even for CJ, although it’s certainly a direct result of my last moments with him. It’s those last moments that will haunt me until the day I die. People tell me NOT to feel that way but they’re crazy. They weren't there. They can't know. I know I did NOT put the gun to CJ’s head. I even realize that our fight was most likely not the catalyst to the end. He had the gun. And as hard as it is for me to admit, I suspect he may have intended to use it regardless of the where or when. On some level, deep below my heartbroken and destroyed shell, I know I couldn’t have controlled the outcome. But what I do know I COULD HAVE CONTROLLED, what I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY, what COULD MAKE ME FEEL EVEN 1% LESS GUILT THAN I DO, were the last words that came out of my mouth. Yes, we were arguing. And yelling. And completely disagreeing about certain things. I said things to him that were not helpful. Things that didn’t ease the tension. Things that erupted out of my mouth out of frustration and anger. What I didn’t say to him were the 3 simplest words I could have said. The three words that no matter HOW AGGRAVATED I WAS WITH HIM should have been spoken. The three tiny words that I stupidly ASSUMED I could say to him at a later time. "I LOVE YOU" never came out of my mouth. Not once during that argument. How I regret that more than anything else. And now, I can never say those words to him again. Doesn’t matter how many times I stand before his urn and say them. It will never matter as much as it would have in those last moments. The truth hurts. Tremendously. If you want to do SOMETHING over the next few days.... TELL YOUR CHILDREN YOU LOVE THEM EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Especially when those three words seem like the LAST THREE WORDS you want to say. But don’t do it for John, Connor or me. Dont even do it for CJ. Do it because it’s the right thing to do. Do it because you might not get a second chance. Don't take that chance. It's just not worth it.

2011-04-03T19:23:00.002-04:00

I am so out of sorts. I truly feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin. It's April. And it's so much worse than I thought it would be. Which sucks because I thought it would be hell on earth. He's been gone for almost one year. We've been living a nightmare for 350+ days. In less than two weeks, we will mark the passing of two of the worst days of our lives: the day CJ put a gun to his head and the day he died. Unbelievable. I am so sad. CJ's suicide just makes no sense. To me. His mom. I miss my son. ALL OF HIM. The good, the bad, the ugly. I look at his pictures. I can't believe he left. His absence is devastating. The void he left will never be filled. Our lives will never be the same. Not sure how we will survive the one year mark. Not at all sure how we will survive the one year plus one day mark. Every single day is hard. Every single moment is hell. Not knowing why will leave me wondering forever. What a sad thought.

2011-03-23T10:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a horrible day.

It just was.

342 days since we said goodbye to him yet yesterday it felt like it had just happened.

The pain is awful.

My heart feels like a giant festering wound.

Yesterday, it felt like someone poured acid into that wound.

Watching someone you love grieve so intensely is the worst part.

Knowing I can't do anything to make it better destroys me.

I feel helpless.

I'm acting in a play I didn't audition for.

I'm attending a school I didn't enroll in.

I'm part of team I didn't try out for.

Life is just wrong.

I am broken.

Scared.

Happy Birthday

2011-03-19T00:01:00.001-04:00

I love everything about you.

There's not one thing I would change.

Not one single thing.

You've been amazing every minute of everyday of the last 25 years we've been together. That you chose me as your wife 20 years ago, still takes my breath away. You have always put us, your family, first...no questions asked. You have been and continue to be my rock. Without you by my side these last 11 months, I would have crumbled long ago. You tell me all the time how much you love me and how we were meant to be together.

You make me feel like YOU'RE the lucky one to have found me.

But that's where you're wrong. Because, it's ME who is the lucky one. I was blessed to find YOU. I know that you're one in a million and that the love you offer me is a once in a lifetime experience.

You are a gift.

John, I love you more than I ever thought possible.

I know this day is intensely bittersweet for you.

He's not here. And won't ever be again.

Not sure you can truly have a Happy Birthday without our Shmoops.

But I do know that he loved you enormously, just as Connor and I do.

You were and are the greatest father to our two boys.

They simply adored you.

I hope you never forget that.

Happy Birthday babe.

TLA

TLF

2011-03-15T03:00:00.002-04:00

He was:

the light of my light

the bane of my existence

the laughter in my tears

the thorn in my side

the yin to my yang

the pain in my butt

the smile in my heart.

And now he's gone.

Doesn't escape me that I had him when I was almost 20 years old and that he left me when he was 20 years old.

Saddest coincidence ever.

Life isn't getting easier. :(

2011-03-07T10:18:00.002-05:00

If ever there was a hero that deserved a thank you, it's my husband John. He's the reason I'm still standing eleven months after CJ committed suicide.

John is hurting and grieving more than I can describe yet he comforts both Connor and I on a daily basis. He has cried a million tears of his own yet is always by my side to wipe away mine.

He held me up as we said goodbye to our beautiful son after 27 hours in the ICU. He held my hand as we made the painful and gut wrenching decision to donate CJ's organs so that he might help save another.

He has told me repeatedly every day since this nightmare began that he loves me and would be lost without me. He has made me realize that my life is still worth living even though at times I feel otherwise.

He has tried to shelter us from the pain of his last moments with our son, when a devastated father cradled his dying son in his arms. He protects us from the tragic details that sadly come along when your child uses a gun to end his life.

He shoulders the burden of keeping our now family of three moving forward when moving forward without our son is the last thing we want to do.

He reassures me that we WILL be ok, that we WILL survive, when I know that he hardly believes it himself.

He vowed to be a better father to our remaining son as a way to honor the memory of his brother.

He carries us on this horrific journey even though he could truly benefit from someone carrying him.

He is my rock and I love him to the moon and back.

I would be lost without him.

Thank you John.

You ARE my hero.

2011-02-27T15:16:00.003-05:00

Are you ok?

Simple question. No simple answer.

In some ways, yes, I'm ok. I'm not suicidal. I don't cry 24/7. I don't hate every minute of every day.

So, yes, I guess I'm ok.

But being ok is sad. And tiresome.

And I miss so much of what was, that I truly can't think clearly some days.

Nothing ever prepared me for being a mother. Books exist, yes, but they don't really capture how wonderful and how hard being a mom can be. Yet, I did it. To the best of my abilities. And I got two very different, two very amazing sons.

Parenting them both was challenging.

Losing one of them was devastating.

We are close to marking the one year anniversary of CJ's suicide and I have started dying a little more inside with each passing day.

My son didn't just die. I can NOT grieve his loss like a mom that lost their child to something other than his own hand. My grief comes with such intense feelings of guilt, with 100's upon 100's of questions that will never be answered and with a pain that sears me to the core. That CJ believed putting a gun to his head was the answer and that I knew nothing of the real pain that must have been inside him, will haunt me until the day I die.

I wake up each morning and realize as if for the first time, that he's gone. And for a brief moment, it feels like it just happened. Every single morning of every single day for the last 10+ months, I have woken up feeling destroyed. I get up and move through the day successfully but with so much pain inside that it physically hurts my heart. I spend so much of each day trying not to cry. I've learned to cry inside.

Since CJ died, I have not had silence. Silence doesn't exist for me anymore. Instead of silence, I have screams...my own screams rolling through my head. Often. Way more often than I would ever admit to anyone.

I screamed when he did it. Those are the screams I still hear.

They are the screams of a mother who knows her heart is forever broken.

I had no idea being ok could be so hard.

2011-02-16T19:52:00.004-05:00

It's not like CJ would have necessarily been here with me for my birthday.

I don't know that he would have stopped by.

Or called me.

Or bought me a Happy Bday Mom card that he wrote something "Shmoopy-ish" inside.

Or brought me a single red rose and a Diet Coke like he had done in the past.

It's not like this day was necessarily any better than it would have been if CJ were alive.

But I'll never know.

And that made this day especially hard for me.

Really hard.

I don't normally cry on my birthday.

Today, I cried a lot.

It's not like I know how today would have been any different if he was alive.

But dear God...dear, dear God, how I wish I could have found out.

2011-02-04T09:43:00.004-05:00

12 days until my birthday

70 days until he's been dead for one year

120 days until Connor graduates

124 days until our 20th wedding anniversary

I feel like I'm playing the most horrific version of
"ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER."

2011-02-01T19:35:00.002-05:00

There are days all I want to do is try to explain how I feel. And why I feel what I feel. Then there are days that I don't. Or can't.

There are days that I am brought to tears by the kind words, kind gestures, kind thoughts offered to John, Connor and I. Then there are days that I hear something or read something that someone has offered to us and I want to scream. And cry.

It's those days, the days that both spoken and written words cut me to the core, that I contemplate leaving my blog behind. Or signing off FB once and for all.

I actually consider that more than I'd like to admit.

And it makes me sad. Sad that I am either not yet strong enough to take some comments/statements with a grain of salt OR that people (even in their best attempt to be supportive) just don't seem to get it. Or at the very least, think before they speak.

If I had any advice to offer someone that is trying to support a parent of a child that has taken their own life, it would be very simple....

If the situation was reversed (god forbid)and it was YOUR child that put a gun to their head, HOW WOULD IT FEEL TO HEAR THE WORDS YOU ARE ABOUT TO SHARE?

I've told a million people a million times that in this situation, saying SOMETHING rather than NOTHING is a hell of a lot better.

But honestly? I don't really know if that's true.

Most days I crave conversation. Often times it's the only thing that keeps me from crying.

But when that conversation or those written words suggest that I am somehow CHOOSING to not move forward, CHOOSING to stay this depressed or CHOOSING to focus too much on the negative and not enough on the positive, I think I'd rather sit in silence.

I am NOT choosing to be anything.

I am NOT choosing to feel or not feel the emotions that keep pulling me into this sea of despair.

I am NOT choosing to be this devastated.

I am simply waking up each day and living the only way I know how.

It just so happens that living right now is the single saddest thing I've ever had to do.

2011-01-25T20:20:00.002-05:00

I kissed CJ's granite urn today.

I winced, as I do everyday, as my lips made contact with the smooth black granite.

I winced, because the granite is so cold.

Bone chilling cold.

And it dawned on me.

The cold black granite that houses my son's remains mirrors the cold black void I feel in my heart.

Every time I touch his urn and remember once again what is missing from my life, a new layer of cold blackness covers my heart.

A once joyful heart filled with optimism and the promise of new tomorrows, is now shrouded in dark pain.

People think time is helping.

It's not.

I am not better.

I have not come to terms with this.

I am not ok.

I'm as far from ok as I could possibly be.

2011-01-15T05:00:00.000-05:00

Nine months ago today, you left us forever.

You died.

You've been gone longer than I carried you inside of me.

You arrived early.
You left early.

So many tears.

2011-01-14T06:10:00.000-05:00

When a tragedy hits you…when it first hits you, it’s the end of the world. It’s like being dumped in the ocean during a storm. The water tosses you and thrashes you and there is nothing you can do but try to stay afloat.

Part of you – MAYBE EVEN MOST OF YOU – doesn’t want to keep your head above water.

You want to stop fighting and just sink away.

But you can’t. The survival instinct won’t let you – or maybe, as in my case, it’s because you have another child to raise. I don’t know. Either way, like it or not, you stay afloat.

After awhile, the storm part is over.

BUT THAT’S WHEN IT GETS EVEN WORSE.

You're now washed up onshore but all that thrashing and tossing caused irreparable harm. You’re in tremendous pain.

And that’s still not the end of it.

BECAUSE NOW YOU’RE LEFT WITH AN AWFUL ALTERNATIVE.

You can try to move past the pain.

You can try to get on with your life and try to forget.

But for me, forgetting would be too obscene.

I couldn’t betray my son like that.

The pain may be enormous, but how could I go on if I abandon him?

He existed.

He was real.

And I miss him with every fiber of my being.

Nine months.

One gun.

A single decision that changed me forever.

I love you Shmoops....always and forever.

For John...

2011-01-11T07:56:00.003-05:00

I HATE that this song reminds me of you...of us...but it does.

Because without you, I would be nothing.

Amongst all my tears, don't ever forget how much I love you.

Thank you for giving me two amazing boys.

Thank you even more for holding me up when one of them was ripped from heart.

You are simply awesome.

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.

I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,

but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,

and in the end, when life has got you down,

you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,

hold on to me tonight.

We are stronger here together,

than we could ever be alone.

So hold on to me,

don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,

but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.

Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,

but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.

I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.

Hold on, I promise it will be alright.

Cuz it's you and me together,

and baby all we've got is time.

So hold on to me,

hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.

Take a look at all we've got,

and with this kind of love,

and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.

Hold on, I promise it will be alright.

Cuz we are stronger here together,

than we could ever be alone.

Just hold on to me,

don't you ever let me go.

Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.

Hold on to me tonight.

Didn't they always say, we were the lucky ones?

2011-01-09T20:40:00.002-05:00

It IS possible to be hit with an imaginary two by four.

Stand in my shoes for a minute.

Try to answer the "how many kids do you have" question.

Takes my breath away every time.

I am sadder than I've ever been.

Miss you Shmoops.

2011-01-01T21:36:00.003-05:00

Sterling Silver Infinity Loop

...the concept of the Keepsake Pendant was born: A symbol of continuing love… a reassuring remembrance to keep close to one’s heart. In creating our pendant line, we had a simple purpose: to enable others to cope more easily, to hold a source of comfort in their hands and to find peace in their hearts. Our Keepsake Pendants bring memories to an even more personal level by holding a small portion of cremated remains, a lock of hair or dried ceremonial flowers. The pendants may be worn or displayed in a glass dome. The opportunity to choose a Keepsake Pendant presents itself only once- the comfort a Keepsake Pendant offers, lasts a lifetime.

I couldn't fathom the thought of leaving CJ behind when we escaped to Florida for the holidays.

Because of the fast action and loving hearts of several people close to me (and a very understanding funeral home director) I didn't have to.

Because of these people, I was able to take a part of CJ with me.

They truly can't know how much their kindness meant to me.

I never again have to be without my beloved son.

I will cherish it always.

2010-12-28T18:54:00.002-05:00

We're home. Got back today - we were some of the lucky ones that COULD travel into New England despite the blizzard like weather.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

Cuz it was time to come home.

This past week in Florida was harder than I expected.

But not because of the company we kept.

We spent it surrounded by our family (my Dad, John's parents, John's brother and sister and his sister's crew. The rest of our family -my mom and her husband and my brother and his family could not come). There was 12 of us all together for 7 days...which was surprisingly easy to handle.

I love John's family a lot. My in-laws are wonderfully kind people. For the last 24 years, they have made me feel like I truly belonged.

John's brother Brian is one of the funniest people I know. He simply makes me smile. He has always been a fantastic uncle to both my boys. This week was no exception. He spent tons of time with Connor which is something I can never thank him enough for.

John's sister Jen is amazing. I find myself loving her more each time we get together. She loves her family wholeheartedly and generously extends that love to me. Jen adored CJ and the feeling was mutual. I think Jen misses my Shmoops as much as I do. I am so sad that he won't ever get to hang out with his cool aunt again.

And my Dad...well, he is just everything to me. Having him with us meant more to me than he can ever imagine. I only hope he knows how thankful I am that he agreed to come with us.

The people we were with made the week tolerable.

But it was still terribly hard. And horribly sad.

I cried.

We all cried.

There was just simply no way to forget why we were away.

CJ was in my every thought. I woke up thinking about him and I fell asleep thinking about him.

My heart hurt as I watched Connor do all kinds of things that he should have been doing with his big brother.

I saw CJ everywhere. And nowhere.

I carried his pictures down to Florida with me and propped them up in random places throughout the giant house we rented.

Sometimes, seeing his face made me smile. Sometimes, seeing his cheesy grin made my heart shatter into a million pieces.

I'm still not sure that running away from home was the right thing to do for Christmas.

But it was SOMETHING.

Right or wrong, it got us through one of the hardest days of my life.

My heart aches in a way that will never go away.

I miss my son so much.

2010-12-14T15:54:00.003-05:00

Not sure how it's already been 8 months.

I miss you. Every second, every minute, every hour.

8 months ago today, you made a choice that forever changed our family.

My heartache will last a lifetime.

I had no idea you were in pain.

My first born son was hurting and I didn't know.

Sadness is our way of life now.

The first Christmas day without you.

To be followed by a lifetime of Christmas days without you.

No more bear hugs.

No more cheesy smiles.

I honestly don't know how we got where we are.

I hear you in every song.

CJ, I WOULD have layed down my life for you.

I would simply die a million painful deaths if I could just have you in my arms one more time.

Mom loves you Shmoops.

Forever.

2010-12-07T18:22:00.005-05:00

Throughout this horribly painful and terribly sad period of our lives, we have been loved on and supported by people both near and far. Our family has been there every step of the way, walking the walk with us. They loved CJ tremendously and are hurting every bit as much as we are.

Our friends have hugged us, fed us, cried with us and held us up when the sheer weight of this tragedy threatened to crush us.

I know we have NOT adequately expressed our thanks to anyone...I'm not really sure there are words to do so. There is simply no way to tell people how much it means that they stood by you during the worst experience of your life.

What's even more difficult to express is the gratitude we feel for so many people, both those we know in real life and those we have not yet been blessed to meet in person, who continue to be there for us as these nightmarish months creep by.

CJ was half of our everything. He and Connor have filled our lives with joy for the better part of 20 years. To love them that long was a privilege. To know that we can no longer love CJ in his physical form destroys our hearts daily. We were just not prepared for that level of sadness. Our grief is all encompassing. It is not lessening with time. It is, in fact, growing more each day as we truly have to face our altered future.

We don't see an end to our pain. We honestly can't imagine a time when our emotions will be easier to handle. We are raw. And distraught. And fight each day to find a way to function.

That people continue to reach out to us when we have so little to offer in return, is nothing short of miraculous. It just is. We can barely take care of ourselves. Our energy level is low and our ability to be the friends we would like to be is just not there. We are shells of our former selves.

Yet people are still there. For us all. When we truly need it the most.

Whether it's an email sharing their story or offering us their prayers and strength to carry on, a phone call just to say hi, a visit (planned or spontaneous), something in the mail for Connor to let him know that he's NOT been forgotten or for John and I just to try to make us smile, or the offer of respite should we ever need it, their thoughtfulness literally brings us to tears. You just have no idea how powerful these "gifts" are. They mean more to us than anyone can possibly imagine.

And they are gifts in every sense of the word.

The literal value of them is not important.

What IS important is how they make us feel....LESS ALONE.

Cuz honestly? We've never felt more alone at any time in our lives.

Thank you from the bottom of our very broken hearts for being as wonderful as you are and for caring about our family.

Your kindness and generosity truly allows us to exist.

2010-12-05T17:40:00.003-05:00

I can't stop playing the what if game. I wish I could.

I wish I could somehow believe that nothing I did or didn't do contributed to my beloved son's decision.

But that's just not happening.

And I'm not sure it ever will. I know people tell me that someday I will focus less on THE LAST FEW MOMENTS and more on the good memories and the happiness that was BEFORE. But honestly? I think that's pure BS.

I will NEVER stop thinking that I could have somehow stopped what happened. That had I hugged him and kissed him instead of arguing and yelling, that maybe just maybe he wouldn't have put that gun to his head.

Those that say without a doubt that what happened would have happened REGARDLESS of that fight, are basing that statement on nothing more than their beliefs.

NO ONE knows what MIGHT have happened had that last terrible fight not occurred.

NO ONE knows what MIGHT have played out had his mom simply grabbed him and said IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK.

NO ONE knows what MIGHT have been on that awful day in April if I had remembered that even as his parent, I didn't necessarily know what's best for him.

Yes, the gun was in his car. And yes, he could have been planning to use it all along. But NO ONE truly knows if one single action, one simple word, one loving gesture from his mom ON THAT DAY, AT THAT MOMENT, could have made a difference.

This guilt is mine to own. Simply telling me not to feel it is not going to change it. I WAS HIS MOM. On the day he was born, I accepted the role of caretaker. And protector. And no matter what anyone else believes, I failed in those roles.

Kids DO make decisions that we as parents don't agree with. And like it or not, we have to learn to live with those decisions.

But when that decision is to end their life, no amount of time will ever grant me acceptance.

I lost the ability to trust in my parenting skills on April 14, 2010 when my first born ended his life.

I died a little inside on April 15, 2010 as I walked out of that hospital knowing that I would never see my son again.

Almost eight months later and I am still suffering a pain that is indescribable.

I never imagined it was possible to hurt this much.

2010-11-28T14:13:00.003-05:00

It's selfish and not realistic but I wish everyone would be as sad and miserable as me. Or at least not as happy as they are. Seeing everyone so cheerful and excited for the Christmas season is hard....REALLY HARD. I know that they should be happy and that life didn't stop for anyone but us but it's still painful to watch all the joy play out.

I am simply dreading December.

And the urge to pull away from it all, to pull away from everyone, keeps getting stronger and stronger. I sit in the house knowing that isolating myself is exactly the opposite of what I should do. But I can't stop it. And I can't change it.

Depression like this is daunting.

Any parent that has lost a child understands it.

Any parent that has lost a child to suicide REALLY understands it.

It is the single most painful thing I have ever experienced. It's been over 7 months since CJ shot himself yet I can see every second of that day as if it's still happening. I replay it over and over and beg him in my head NOT TO DO IT.

When I'm not thinking about it, when I'm distracted for even a moment, reality crashes into my chest like a sledgehammer. It literally takes my breath away. I can't tell you how many times EACH DAY that one single thought slaps me in the face....CJ PUT A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND PULLED THE TRIGGER.

I don't want to think that.

I don't want to hear those words.

I don't want those effing words to be true.

I feel like we're living in a nightmare that won't end. I want nothing more than to wake up and have him give me a bear hug. I want him to be here to wear the shirt I have draped over my headboard instead of me clinging to it at night like a life preserver. I want him home to use all the body spray that I stocked up on instead of me keeping all those bottles in my nightstand so that his shirt never NOT smells like him.

Spent time over this holiday weekend writing back to the man that received CJ's right kidney. He and his wife wrote to us. And sent pictures. So I wrote back.

People spent the long weekend shopping and decorating.

I wrote a letter to a man that got a PIECE of my child.

If you want to know what hell looks like, spend a day inside my head.

2010-11-22T19:23:00.003-05:00

I've started to realize that time is both my enemy and my friend. My friend because I truly know that time is the ONLY thing that will make this pain less than what it is. Nothing else can dampen the burning despair I feel inside my heart and my head...hell, even my skin, EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY. Time is the only thing that will offer me the numbness that I crave. It is the only thing that will allow me to ever function even partially normal again.

But it's also my enemy because with each passing day, comes one more measurable chunk of time since my son chose to leave. My enemy because my entire life is now measured in time....time before CJ left and time after. Nothing but time so clearly reminds me of what I've lost. I can tell you down to the minute how long I have been the mother of only one. Pathetic.

The holidays are simply wrong and should not happen this year...at least in my world. We will do nothing this Thursday - nothing that reminds us even REMOTELY what we no longer have. We will not cook a big meal. We will not gather with our extended family. We will not sit around the table staring at the 4th empty chair.

Enjoy your holiday with your family and your loved ones. For us, it's just another sad day of the week.

I want Connor to have a nice Christmas but I can't give it to him.

I hate that our choice, our need to avoid the most special time of year for our family (well it used to be) will ultimately effect my youngest child. I feel terrible about it - the guilt is horrible. But I can't do anything about it. I just can't. Wish there were magic elves that would swoop into our home and ensure that CJ's suicide and John's and my subsequent serious depression would not ruin Connor's Christmas. Just doesn't seem fair. Crying just thinking about it.

CJ loved Christmas.

I just can't believe he won't be here to celebrate this (or any other) Christmas season with us ever again.

I feel dead inside.

2010-11-15T21:34:00.002-05:00

I really don't know what to say.

I feel horrible tonight. And I'm having nonstop flashback thoughts.

Can't stop envisioning where we were 7 months ago today. What we saw. How our lives ceased to exist as we know it.

I try to remember what that tiny patch of hair on the top of my Shmoopy's head felt like as I carefully caressed it without bumping the blood soaked bandage cradling his head.

I try to remember how it felt to kiss his feet as I needed to touch all parts one last time.

I try desperately to remember what that last hand hold felt like, as my first borns swollen hand rested in my heartbroken hand.

I have looked at the pictures we took of each of holding his hand for the last time. Of Connor holding his big brother's hand. Of John holding onto his dying son's tender fingers. Of me gripping my babies fingers in an attempt to never let him go.

We took those pictures for us, and only us. They will never be shared publicly. They will never be posted on FB or this blog. They are simply moments captured in time of pure and utter grief. They are truly all we have left of our beloved son.

I look at those pictures and die a million times over. I want my son back.

I can't stop crying. My life is a mess. I just don't have the coping skills to deal with this loss.

I needed you in my life forever CJ. I needed you around so I could tell you how proud I am of you even when I didn't necessarily agree with your choices.

I hope you are at peace and I'm glad you're not hurting anymore.

But now, it's my turn to hurt. And suffer.

Cuz honestly Shmoops? If it wasn't for your amazing brother and father, I wouldn't want to be here. I COULDN'T be here.

Losing my child to suicide is too hard to deal with.

Please come back CJ? Please? I would give anything to NOT have had that fight with you. To have said I love you. To have hugged you. To apologize for being a shitty mom in those last moments when you needed me most.

I would have taken that gunshot for you baby. I would have laid down my life for both you and Connor.

I just miss you so much. I can't stop crying Shmoops.

I love you.

2010-11-09T20:31:00.004-05:00

I am not mad at CJ.

I have not been mad at him for even one second of one minute of one hour of one day of the last almost seven months.

I have not screamed at his urn, yelled at his pictures or shouted at the shirt draped over my headboard...the shirt he had just changed out of before ending his life.

I have not been mad at my son.

Because I am NOT mad at my son.

And I'm tired of people telling me that I SHOULD be.

That I AM and just don't know it.

That if I'm not YET, than I WILL BE.

For almost seven months, I have literally been dying inside. From a pain that I can't describe. A pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

And for almost seven months, I have clung to the words that people have offered me. The kindness and friendships extended to my entire family from people we've known forever and people we have yet to meet. It's been those words and that compassion that has truly allowed me to exist in this painful and unalterable reality.

Without those words and that contact, I'm not sure I could function.

And although I DESPERATELY want those words and that contact to continue, I decided I had to risk losing it all. That I needed to clear the air so that those people that claim to know what I'm feeling can REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING.

I AM NOT MAD AT CJ.

I refuse to be mad at someone that hurt so much inside that placing a gun to his head seemed to be the only answer.

I am not mad at CJ.

I am just simply crushed.

I miss you Shmoops.

2010-11-04T16:37:00.002-04:00

I've been wondering a lot lately. About everything. And nothing.

Someone told me today that I seemed "better." That she could see some of the "old me."

And I sat there and wondered.

I kept thinking that that can't be true. That it's not possible. For so many reasons. More than I can list. But mainly because I'm not better. And there really is no more of the old Hallie left.

How could she think I'm better?

Sure, lots of people say that I'll get back to that person, or at least MOST of that person, someday. Somewhere. Somehow.

But I know that's not true. It really isn't. And it really can't be. Because when CJ died....when CJ left us...when CJ pulled that trigger...old Hallie died with him. People don't like when I talk like that. And they definitely don't like when I say things like that. But it's true. Really, really true.

And I don't have the energy or the interest or the desire to make them understand. So I just say it. And then I sit and quietly listen and stare as they tell me what THEY know. And what THEY think.

And I start wondering.

About so much. And so little.

I loved my son with every fiber of my being. Yet that wasn't enough.

Instead of planning his 21st birthday this year, we planned his funeral.

Instead of buying him the first alcoholic beverage we would ever give him, we bought a granite urn to hold his ashes.

Ashes. My Shmoopy is ash. Ashes contained in a black granite box.

I think my heart is in that box with him.

I wonder if that's possible.

So many questions, so many thoughts swirling through my head.

I can sit in complete silence yet it will never be quiet.

2010-10-28T14:03:00.001-04:00

Still the same.

Making little to no progress in the “heart hurts less/dying inside/really at a loss how to exist” game. I am sad to a degree that still shocks me. I just didn’t know this kind of pain existed.

196 days have passed by without my son.

Unreal. And everyday, it seems to get MORE unreal.

Cuz although people SAY time heals, time numbs, time lessens, time also defines. And solidifies. And creates permanency.

EVERYTHING in my life is defined by before and after. (and if I’m being honest, I don’t think that will ever change)

EVERYTHING I fear and loathe and despise is solidly ensconced in my brain. No matter how much I WISH things were different, they remain the same. And the same is as bad as I could’ve ever imagined.

EVERYTHING I want to change and fix and repair to that BEFORE time is permanently in my life. And my memories. And in my nightmares.

Life is just hard. Harder than I think is doable. Every day I wake up and realize that I AM the mother of a child that committed suicide. Every day I remember that my son, my family, my life are now a tragic statistic. Every day I cry inside whether or not I’m crying outside.

The holidays are coming and I literally shake when I think about them. We may be running away from our house but are we really running far enough? Is ANYPLACE far enough?

I am broken.

2010-10-21T09:50:00.003-04:00

Nothing will ever make sense to me again.

2010-10-17T20:13:00.004-04:00

Six months have come and gone and I'm at a loss as to how I got here. One half of an entire year has passed without my eldest son in my life. 180+ day and nights have cycled by and I'm no closer to feeling one iota better.

I realized this weekend as I sat hostage to my sadness for hour upon hour, that my life will NEVER be the same again. CJ's death has robbed me of that. Suicide has stolen away any chance of me ever being totally normal again.

I am really not the person I was BEFORE. I don't call people like I did. I don't go out like I did. I don't write like I did. I don't smile like I did.

His death has left me with so much guilt....so many questions...so many indescribable feelings.

There is no chunk of time when I'm not missing him, not thinking about those last few minutes, not welling up with tears.

I am constantly one breath, one whisper, one sigh away from sobbing. Tears are not the exception, they're the norm.

There was a time when my thoughts about CJ revolved around his job. And his mood. And his silliness. And his future.

Now they revolve around a gun. And an argument. And a pain so intense that he chose to end his life.

Every single happy memory I have of him is deeply embedded in a thick layer of WHY, WHY, WHY did he do it? WHY, WHY, WHY didn't we see it coming? WHY, WHY, WHY couldn't we help him find his way?

My son...my beautiful, handsome, charismatic and frustrating as hell at times son, killed himself mere feet from where his Dad and I stood.

Six months feels like yesterday and an eternity.

I simply don't know how to do this.

2010-10-06T17:25:00.002-04:00

Overheard by John:

"When you lose your parent, you're an orphan. When you lose your spouse, you're a widow. But when you lose your child, no word exists to describe what you are."

I'm not sure I have ever agreed with anything as strongly as I agree with this statement.

It's been almost six months and I am still in a state of nothing.

I am in a constant state of sadness.

I am and continue to be distraught. And devastated. And crushed.

I am living and functioning...but only on the surface.

Because under the surface, I am dying. And screaming, And crying out so loudly that the sound is deafening.

I am a mother yet not the one I was.

And I'm scared that I won't ever figure out how to be THIS mom.

One handsome, smiling, energetic, thoughtful, funny and intense son.

One in a granite urn for eternity son.

Simply lost.

2010-10-01T12:52:00.002-04:00

"We were able to recover Christopher's bone tissue for transplantation. The gift of bone can hasten recovery of patients with injuries due to trauma or bone disease. I am honored to share with you that SIXTEEN gifts of bone have been prepared from his generous donation, enabling procedures such as reconstructive surgery, spinal fusions and sports injury repairs to be performed.

Your son was able to donate his skin tissue. Donated skin is used for the treatment of burns, cleft palate repair, reconstructive surgery after cancer and certain dental procedures. The tissue bank has shared with us that, as of this date, his skin tissue has NOT YET been placed for transplant.

Christopher was also able to donate his veins. Donated veins can be used in cardiac bypass surgery to supply blood to the heart or in peripheral bypass surgery restoring blood supply to the leg and foot. The tissue bank has shared with us that at this time, your son's veins have also NOT YET been placed for transplant.

I hope that it will be of some comfort to you to know that Christopher's corneas have been transplanted into TWO VERY GRATEFUL individuals. His left cornea has restored sight for an 81-year-old gentleman in California and his right cornea was transplanted into a 23-year-old woman, who lives in Massachusetts."

2010-09-30T14:53:00.001-04:00

He used to be little.
Now he is big.

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY CONNOR.

Love you tons and tons.

2010-09-26T10:42:00.005-04:00

It's always been the same apple orchard, the same apple cider donuts, the same tractor ride out to the trees that are ready to be picked and the same fresh apple cider.

And it's ALWAYS been the four of us.

Until this year.

This year it was just the three of us.

And although Connor made us smile climbing every tree in sight and melted my heart with his gorgeous smile, it just didn't feel the same.

Learning to make "new" memories when a piece of the memory puzzle is missing, is really hard.

A lot harder than I could have ever imagined.

2010-09-20T14:13:00.001-04:00

I get asked all the time how I’m doing. Or some variation of that.

How are you feeling? Feeling any better? Is today a better day than yesterday? Etc, etc, etc.

Figured it might just be easier to answer those types of questions in one place.

Because the answer is the same to all of them.

I’m awful. As awful as I’ve ever been. As awful as I suspect I will ever be.

I spend so much time trying not to be but it’s not working.

I’m sad to a degree that I don’t think words can describe.

I’m beyond heartbroken. On some level, it feels like I don’t have a heart anymore. Like there’s a dark void where my heart used to be.

I’m surrounded by friends and family a lot of the time, yet I am more alone than at any time in my life.

When I’m not crying outwardly, I’m crying inwardly.

I’m wracked with guilt even though people say I shouldn’t be.

I feel like I’m living in limbo. Like I’m damned to live in a perpetual state of misery. Like I’m being punished for something I did. Something I said. Some bad choice I made at some point in my life.

I’m unable to remember simple things, things I never had a hard time remembering before.

At times, I’m paralyzed with fear. Fear that I will make a bad choice, a bad comment, a bad gesture.

I’m truly terrified that if THAT could happen without me even seeing that IT was coming, then WHAT’S NEXT?

I’m crushed.

I’m destroyed.

I’m a miserable fraction of what I used to be.

And I’m a liar.

Cuz if you ask me HOW I’M DOING, HOW I’M FEELING or if TODAY IS BETTER THAN YESTERDAY….

I’m going to say I’M FINE.

It’s just easier that way.

2010-09-16T14:44:00.000-04:00

Purposely left for work AFTER both John and Connor had left the house so that I could be alone for a moment.

Wanted more than anything, to see CJ.

Sat there with my head bowed down, hoping that he would come.

He didn’t.

No big surprise.

Can’t tell you how much I want to see him again.

Been replaying in my head those last moments in the hospital when we had to say goodbye to him. Those last moments when we could still touch him. And feel him. And SEE him.

So unbelievably pissed at myself that I didn’t demand to stay with him longer. I KNOW that he was gone. And I KNOW they needed to do things to his body to prepare him for organ donation.

But I HATE that I didn’t insist on staying through all that.

What kind of mom am I?

Hating days. Hating nights. Hating, hating, hating.

Discovered that you don’t really have to have tears roll down your face to feel like you’re crying. I HAVE tears rolling down my face most of the time. But not always. Sometimes, my chest simply feels like I’m sobbing. Like it’s locked up tight in a sad vice grip.

Hate that feeling.

Trying like hell to function. Feeling utter despair most of the time.

Feeling more alone than ever.

Never truly knew how much his light brightened my day.

Worried that I’m not enough for John and Connor anymore. How can a shell be enough?

Connor’s birthday is two weeks from today. What if it’s not special enough? What if I fail him? What if he doesn’t know how much I love him?

Maybe CJ didn’t know that either.

God this is hard.

2010-09-12T20:48:00.002-04:00

I want what no one can give me. That's a tough thing to accept.

I cry with no warning. I can literally be smiling one second and weeping the next.

I have never felt so lost in my entire life.

I told a very close friend of mine that suicide stole "normal" from me. Permanently.

I truly believe that.

I continue to piss people off. Still not acting the way they believe I should. Think I might actually start asking these people to de-friend me on FB or un-follow me on here. Cuz although I KNOW I shouldn't care what people think about me right now, it still hurts to open emails and read that they are upset I'm not reaching out to them. That I'm not responding to them as they've asked. That I'm disappointing them because they believe they can help me.

Yep, reading that stuff hurts. And causes me more anxiety and sadness than I already have.

Someday, when I can actually type five words without crying, I just might try to write the BOOK OF RULES for parents of children who blew their brains out.

Cuz obviously, I missed reading it.

It's only September and I'm already dreading the holidays. All of them.

Dawned on me today that I will NEVER AGAIN SEE MY SON.

How did I KNOW that but NOT KNOW THAT???

2010-09-07T20:07:00.003-04:00

I can't stop looking at these pictures.

REALLY looking at them.

How could you have seemed this happy less than 4 weeks BEFORE?????

I miss you.

What I would give to see this smile again.

I am so sorry there won't be more memories like this.

You and your brother were such a good pair.

You had fun Shmoops. We all had fun.

I had no idea this would be the last picture I would ever get of my two boys.

Someone please tell me this isn't real. PLEASE????

2010-09-04T22:57:00.002-04:00

The lady wasn't lying. At all. Although I thought she was. A liar, that is. And if truth be told, I thought she was nuts.

I mean, who tells 1500+ people about to walk 18 miles overnight through the streets of Boston to raise awareness about suicide, that they are probably going to lose their toenails?

Who does that?

An obviously crazy liar that's who.

Or so I thought.

Or so I thought.....WRONG.

Guess I should find that woman and apologize for doubting her.
Cuz today, exactly 10 weeks to the day I walked those 18 miles through the streets of Boston overnight, the nail on my left big toe fell off. Completely.

Which means that lady was not the crazy liar I thought she was.

Who knew.

Wouldn't have lost my nail had I not participated in the OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK to raise suicide awareness because my son placed a gun to his head and ended his life.

Nope, if my son had not killed himself I'd still have my toenail.

How sad is that?

My lack of toenail is now yet another daily reminder of how horrible my new life is.

CJ, I wish you could come back.

I could really use one of your too-tight bear hugs right about now.

2010-09-04T08:29:00.002-04:00

The hardest part of this journey is that it's always hard.

You can't escape the pain. Or the heartache. Or the tears.

My eyes feel horrible this morning. Tears wouldn't stop last night.

They came out of the blue and held on tight.

Didn't matter that I had just spent some unplanned for time hanging out with our neighbors. That I smiled a bit. That I laughed a little. That I relaxed for a while.

None of that mattered when I came back home and stepped back into reality.

People have no idea how much I envy them.

I WANT to go home each night and NOT live this nightmare. I want to not know what it feels like to have a child of mine shoot himself. I want to be happy again. I want John and Connor to be happy again.

You know life is hard when you're sitting at a baseball game watching the mascot dance to THIS SONG.

And you realize that both you and your husband are crying.

Because that song was a part of THIS MOVIE....a movie your son LOVED, LOVED, LOVED. And watched a million times over. Which means both you and your husband watched it a million times over. And fell in love with it too.

But really fell MORE in love with our little guy as he watched that movie.

Now, hearing that song just reminds you of how much you have lost.

And how destroyed you truly are.

And how effed up our life is now.

2010-08-31T21:21:00.002-04:00

Today was a really hard day. Yet I couldn't show it. Instead, I had to be "on."

And professional.

I had to represent the agency I work for and love being a part of in an upbeat, organized way. And I had to do this from roughly 7am-3pm. In other words, all day.

I had to do this in my role as co-emcee for our 2010 Staff Day.

And I think I owe all 260+ people that attended, an apology.

Because if I'm being honest? I wasn't all that good. Which isn't usual for me. Because in years past, I was, at least in my humble opinion, a damn good emcee.

I WAS organized. And PROFESSIONAL. And incredibly UPBEAT.

But not this year.

Although I tried.

I did. And I really thought I could do it.

But I don't think it worked.

Because I was disorganized. And forgetful. And only slightly upbeat.

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't muster the energy to be the Hallie they have trusted to emcee this shindig many times in the past.

And I feel really bad. REALLY, REALLY BAD.

Because the Staff day committee, of which I'm a member, works their butts off to make this day perfect. And the staff that attend deserve nothing but the best.

Which I don't think I delivered.

And that makes me sad.

Because I truly thought I could do it.

But I guess I couldn't.

CJ's suicide really has effected me in more ways than I can list. Forgetfulness, disorganization and general lack of pep are sadly three that really caused me to drop the ball today.

And for that, I am truly sorry.

The rest of the committee members? Well, they were fantastic. And deserve a HUGE pat on the back.

Me? Not so much.

Let's just say when my invitation to emcee again next year NEVER arrives, I will NOT be the least bit surprised.

Tonight hasn't been a goood night either.

These damn tears just don't seem to stop.

Miss you CJ...with all my heart.

2010-08-30T10:12:00.002-04:00

Just saw an advertisement for Cheez-Its and started bawling.

If a cracker ad in the Sunday paper sends me over the edge (CJ simply loved Cheez-Its) how the hell am I ever going to be ok?

Life is really hard.

Oh how I miss you Shmoops.

I really, really do.

2010-08-26T19:20:00.002-04:00

If you had told me 4+ months ago that my son was going to kill himself, I wouldn't have believed you. I wouldn't have believed you because it seems so unbelievable.

If you had asked me 4+ months ago to describe what I thought I would have to deal with IF my son committed suicide, I'm not sure I would have been able to answer you. Why would I have an answer to a question no mother ever dreams of being asked?

But if pushed for a response, for an answer, for a guess, I probably would have told you that IF my son killed himself, I would expect to be miserable. And lonely. And terrified. And lost. And devastated. And crushed. And destroyed. And exhausted.

I would have BELIEVED that any word in the English language that describes complete and utter misery, would be a word you could use to describe what I might face.

And I would have been right.

What I would NOT have believed I'd face IF my son chose to end his life, is oddly and sadly and frustratingly what I am more so than not now dealing with.

Odd, sad and frustrating because I never thought it would be part of this process.

Who knew I'd have to defend my actions?

Who could have imagined that people would question how I'm acting?

Who would have thought that someone would actually think there was a right and wrong way to process your son's suicide?

CJ put a gun to his head.

And ended his life.

And altered our lives forever.

And I'm apparently NOT dealing with this life changing moment in a manner that some think I should be.

I've been told I need to CHOOSE to move on.

I've been told I shouldn't focus on WHAT he did, HOW he did it, or WHY he made the choice he did.

I've been told I'm fixating TOO much on THAT moment and not enough on HIS LIFE.

I've been told my thoughts are MORBID and not the funny, ha ha morbid I used to embrace here on my blog.

I've been told my words on Facebook and my blog PROVE I'm trapped in a dark place.

I've even been told to embrace life and ONLY concentrate on John and Connor and NOT as much on the selfish act of my firstborn son.

Yep, I've been told all of those things. And more.

From people both close to me and not so close to me.

And I find myself having to reassure these people that I'm ok.

When I'm clearly not.

But why the hell would I be?

Cuz if I DON'T say I'm ok, they continue to tell me 88 reasons why I'm REALLY NOT.

Do people truly think I want to relive THAT moment or replay THOSE details over and over in my head?

Is it possible that some people actually believe I am purposely holding Happy Hallie hostage? That I enjoy thinking the thoughts I think?

Can people NOT see that I YEARN for the day that I don't feel as raw as I do? For the day that my heart doesn't feel like it's being shredded and burned and slashed to pieces by a pain that is indescribable?

Isn't it obvious that it's a hell of a lot better that I AM writing (at least occasionally) about what I'm feeling as opposed to letting the hideous beast that took my son destroy me as well?

I am NOT suicidal.

Have I thought and wished at least once since my beloved Shmoops left me that I was with me?

Yes.

As his mommy, I hate to think of him alone. Without his loving family to care for him.

But does that mean I want to leave John and Connor to be with CJ?

No.

It just means my mom heart can't stand the thought of NOT having him with me. Ever again. My mom heart can't even wrap itself around the idea of forever minus my kiddo.

Am I in a dark place?

Yes. And I hate it. Someday I hope to find a way out. But no map showing me the way has been discovered yet.

Do I cry a lot? Of course. Hell, I'm crying right now.

My son is gone. My son placed a gun to his head and pulled the trigger and I truly don't know why. Nor did I really have any idea that he was hurting so much.

That alone crushes me to my core. And brings me to my knees. And makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry until I can't cry anymore.

I may NOT be doing this right.

I may NOT be handling this well.

I may NOT ever be in the running for "mom who dealt with her son's suicide the best."

But I don't know any other way.

God knows I'm trying.

But he also knows, it's hard as hell.

So Much Sadness In One Lifetime...

2010-08-23T11:05:00.004-04:00

Opened my blog and somehow landed on THIS entry.

Reread it this morning and can't stop thinking about HIS connection to HER.

She made such an impact on CJ when he was just a little guy.

I truly hope (with all my might) that if there really IS something after we're gone, that SHE was there to greet HIM with open arms....and maybe some crayons.

You're never too old to color, right?

CJ, I miss you so much.

SO. VERY. MUCH.

Isn't She Lovely?

2010-08-21T22:24:00.001-04:00

Little Miss Charlotte Marie

2010-08-20T22:25:00.003-04:00

Amongst of year full of nothing but abject sadness and devastation, we thankfully got a happy moment to welcome Charlotte Marie.

I am simply crushed that CJ won't get to meet Sarah's little sister. He loved Sarah so much and I just know he would have smothered Charlotte with that same amount of affection.

Tonight, my heart bursts for my brother and his family as they experience the pure joy of welcoming their second child.

But tonight, my heart also aches for my child that is no more.

CJ, when you died, a part of me died with you.

The challenge for me now, is to find a reason to not go away completely, to find a reason to stay.

Cuz, honestly Shmoops? I just want to be with you.

Hijacked and a Mini Morbid Monday

2010-08-16T11:48:00.003-04:00

WARNING: This blog has been hijacked!

Um, is this thing on??

Somehow in a mad stroke of luck I managed to catch Hallie in a weak moment and she agreed to let me have her site for a day or two. Yes, Hallie, the gal we know and love, let go of the reigns for a little bit.

So what’s going on here?

We all know Hallie is hurting very deeply. Like many of you I check my reader each day to see if Mrs. Twomey has had anything to say. What used to be silly and sometimes disgusting posts mixed in with heartfelt updates on her boys has turned in to a forum for her grief. And, like many of you I want to do something to help and show this family I have come to love that I care.

Although I’ve never met Hallie in person and live half across a country from her, the past two years have seen a lot of changes in both of our lives and demonstrated to me the power of our online community and friendship.

So, what are we going to do?

I wanted this to be a surprise for Hallie but in order to reach each of you I needed to post here (personally I think Hallie is crazy for giving me the keys to her kingdom), and then we post the details elsewhere. That way, if Hallie doesn’t want to know what we’re up to she doesn’t have to. But if Hallie doesn’t come nosing around for the skinny I may just lose my mind from the shock.

So, come over to my blog for your instructions.

And, in honor of Morbid Monday I give you: My bunion. It’s a far cry from a Hallie style Morbid Monday, but it’s the best I’ve got . . . ps I’m getting this thing surgically fixed on Wednesday!

Now, after you quit barfing - click over here for your instructions!

BlueBella

2010-08-15T20:13:00.003-04:00

4 months have passed and in many ways, I still don't believe it. I can talk about it, I can acknowledge it, I can even describe what happened in detail yet I just can't accept that it's real.

People say they understand. But they don't. And can't. Which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for them because they don't know what it's like to have their child end his/her life with a gun to their head. A curse for us as we're just so alone in our grief.

I still feel physically sick when I stare at my front door and remember that he WON'T ever walk through it again.

I still feel as if someone kicked me in the chest when I look at the end of my driveway and remember that that's where he shot himself.

And I still feel like someone is LITERALLY slicing into my heart with a knife when I replay those last few minutes before it happened.

I walk through stores or through work or just down the street and I feel like grabbing everyone I see. I feel like grabbing onto them and yelling CARPE DIEM.

Or CARPE YOUR CHILDREN as the case may be.

Cuz you just don't realize that they MIGHT be gone in an instant.

Don't ever take for granted the care free moments you have with your children. I can't tell you how I yearn for the giant bear hugs, the goofy giggles and the mile long smiles CJ gave me.

Don't ever forget how fleeting their lives CAN be. I NEVER EVER EVER thought either of my children would be gone before John and I. Never. They were supposed to live EONS beyond us.

Don't ever stop for one moment thanking your god or the universe or whatever all mighty being you place your faith and trust in for granting you the privilege of being a parent. I don't think I really GOT how honored I should be for getting to love and guide and grow my two boys until one left me so tragically.

I'm simply sad.

Not one moment passes where I don't think about my beloved Shmoops.

Not one.

"Something inside has died and I can't hide it, I just can't take it."

Can't stop singing that one line from that one Carole King song in my head. Not even sure I have the words right but it sums up how I feel.

Something inside me DID die.

A Sobering Realization

2010-08-11T22:55:00.003-04:00

I will carry the guilt I feel for the rest of my life.

2010-08-08T20:44:00.002-04:00

Although I die a little bit inside every time I think of life without my beloved Shmoopy, I still KNOW we made the right decision in donating his organs.

After spending part of today at the New England Organ Bank's volunteer recognition banquet, I realized that since CJ died, I haven't really talked about how important organ donation is.

I haven't reminded you all that organ donation saved my father's life.

That because of the generous gift one family gave to my dad, I've been blessed with 7 extra years with a man I cherish.

And that now, because of my son, at least 3 people woke up this morning happier and healthier than they were 15 weeks ago.

Yes, I still cry inside when I think about the recipients of CJ's heart and left kidney. It's not easy to accept that they didn't make it.

Yet we know we at least gave them a chance.

We weren't told how long these 2 people survived. Whether they died immediately or lasted for awhile. We weren't told anything about them except that they died. I'd like to think that perhaps they held on for a few extra days, allowing their loved ones a few precious extra moments.

Cuz precious extra moments are something that I would give just about anything to have.

If you are not yet registered to be an organ donor, please, please, please consider doing so.

If you live in New England, you can easily donate online.

Most states DO have online registries. You can check HERE to see how best to register in your own state.

Giving the gift of life is TRULY the greatest gift you can ever give.

May sound like a cliche, but it's true.

Selfishly, I would prefer to have NEVER known what it's like to be a donor family....I was MUCH happier merely being an observer on the receiving end.

But for reasons I will probably never understand (or accept or like), I am now sadly and tragically aware how important it is to help save another.

PLEASE consider registering today.

If not for you, then in memory of CJ.

We CAN all make a difference.

God knows I wish it wasn't my son's organs that helped another.

But it was.

And it remains the ONLY decision we could have made.

CJ believed in organ donation.

Won't you?

"DON'T TAKE YOUR ORGANS TO HEAVEN. HEAVEN KNOWS WE NEED THEM HERE."

2010-08-05T11:40:00.002-04:00

Staring intensely at pictures of CJ does not bring him back. I spent 20 minutes looking into his eyes – directly into his eyes – wishing for him to come back and make a different decision. Come back and let us help him. Come back and realize that our lives would be forever dull without him. Come back and let me tell him how much he truly was one of the brightest lights in my life. Staring accomplished nothing. It just made me cry.

I find myself “looking” everywhere. But for what? It’s become a habit I can’t break. Not sure what I’m looking for. I go into rooms in our house and just stand there. Maybe if I stand there long enough, someone will come? People used to be there, at least for the first month after CJ died. I go to the mailbox and search it’s emptiness for something. The mail for him or about him has mostly stopped. The cards, the bills, the whatever. They were hard to get but harder NOT to get.

People have no idea how I envy the problems they have. How I yearn to go back to the beginning of this year when all I had to complain about was turning 40. Or that we had too much snow. Or that my dog wasn’t always as nice as we’d like. I read/hear/see what’s going on in other people’s lives and wonder if they know how lucky they are to not know this pain.

People continue to ask what they can do for us. How they can help. What we need.

Or tell me that IF we need anything or IF we want company or IF we need to talk, then to just reach out and ask.

What they don't get, what is impossible for me to explain, what seems to be an overwhelming part of this process, is that I CAN'T. And WON'T. It's just too hard.

Every time someone says something to me about wanting to help, I find myself thinking how nice that would be. How wonderful it would be if they just did whatever it is they wanted to do. Bake cookies for Connor, send a card, stop by, call to say hi, etc.

But only in my head.

No matter how hard I try or how on the tip of my tongue it may be to suggest something that they COULD do for us, I just can't.

Asking for help or admitting that after almost four months, I still feel as awful as that first day I saw CJ slumped over in his car, seems wrong. I don't think people WANT to know that almost 4 months later, I STILL see his head swelling in the hospital or his body twitching over and over.

I was always the one to DO for others.

I wish I could be that person again.

Watching John suffer the loss of his son and Connor the loss of his brother is the single hardest part of this journey. I love them both with every ounce of my soul and would give anything to lessen their pain. I'm so sad that CJ won't be around to watch Connor grow into adulthood. Connor is a really amazing kid with a heart of gold. I think he will turn out to be man that we will all be proud of. I truly hope that CJ will be by his side in spirit all throughout the days of Connor's life.

I want a giant undo button.

2010-08-02T21:40:00.003-04:00

Takes my son's suicide to really show me what is and isn't truly important.

What is and isn't a priority.

What is and isn't worth worrying about.

Found out today that I don't have skin cancer.

But I do have what would have become skin cancer.

And it's on my face. And it isn't pretty.

It showed up right after my beloved Shmoops took his life. Has grown bigger and darker everyday since.

Finally listened to my loving husband and had it checked out.

Thank God he made me. Thank God he is a two time skin cancer survivor (two bad times) and knew that something wasn't right.

Because of his persistence, I THINK I am going to be ok.

They treated it and suspect that in a week or two, I should be as good as new.

Well, my face will be....the rest of me will NEVER be that way again.

For the next 2 weeks, I will look ugly.

I will have a large, angry, blistering/scabbing spot in an incredibly obvious location on my face.

No amount of makeup will cover it.

No amount of wishing it away will make it leave any faster.

Nope, no amount of ANYTHING will make it ANYTHING more or less than what it is: a precancerous nasty looking dime sized spot on my face.

But I don't care.

Cuz after losing my Shmoops, looking a little bit hideous for a relatively short amount of time DOESN'T seem like that big of a deal.

Maybe at one time it would have.

But not now.

Now, all I want is my son back.

I'd gladly have my entire face covered in nastiness just to have him in my arms again.

Sure wish wishing would make THAT happen.

15 Weeks

2010-07-28T11:27:00.004-04:00

I continue to sit wherever it is that I happen to be sitting, and wonder how the hell we got to this place.

I understand what happened but I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

I know that he is gone but I DON'T GET THAT HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

I realize that I will never be the same person again but I DON'T LIKE THE PERSON I'VE BECOME.

Nothing is the same. Nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same, nothing tastes the same and nothing sounds the same.

People continue to defriend me on FB and un-follow my blog yet I STILL don't blame them. Perhaps a part of my new reality is expecting to be disappointed. Well, maybe not disappointed. Maybe just blah. Or let down. Because when I see my numbers drop, I'm not so much as bothered by it (their choice after all) as I am just thinking it's par for the course. The universe has already given me the worst that it can....why not just add more on top of it?

Living under a thick coat of constant sadness is not something I'd recommend to anyone. It makes doing anything, harder. No matter how much I WANT to smile or laugh or just kick back and relax, that coat of despair and longing and wishful thinking rears it's ugly head and swallows me whole.

Losing a child is horrible. And disgusting. And devastating.

But losing a child that CHOSE to leave is like facing a demon monster from the deepest, darkest pit of hell.

There's no mental preparation for it. NOTHING.

Nothing in my world gave me the resources to cope with this. Not for one second at any time or any place, did I grow a skin thick enough to handle this situation.

Yet in some ways, I AM functioning.

Which is entirely different from handling/coping with it. But unless your child took their own life, I don't expect you'll understand that difference.

But that's ok.

I pray to God you never have to understand.

I've gotten up, gotten dressed, gone to work, cleaned the house, cooked dinner (sort of), fed the dogs, did laundry and mowed the lawn for 15 weeks. Fifteen long, painful weeks, when all I really wanted to do was cling to John and Connor like no tomorrow.

Cuz that's really what I want to do...what I need to do...what makes sense to me.

They are what I live for now. They are what keeps me going. What makes me get up each day and do all those things I have to do.

Although I don't want to.

What I want is 15 weeks and 1 day ago.

What I need is for one gun to disappear.

What I crave is to have my son back in my life.

2010-07-25T21:47:00.002-04:00

I started scrap booking this weekend.

Because my son is dead.

No two ways about it.

I DIDN'T scrapbook BEFORE he killed himself.

Yet now I do.

He died....therefore, I scrapbook.

My life sucks.

It's Just Too Much

2010-07-21T16:56:00.005-04:00

As if the horrible memories I have in my head of those last few moments were not bad enough...

Shaw's is directly across from a crematorium.

The crematorium where my beloved son was cremated.

The crematorium that I never, ever gave a single thought to until my 20 year old ended up there.

It has two smoke stacks. At least I think there's two. I can't bear to look long enough to accurately count.

Those smoke stacks are blackened at the top.

Soot covered.

Giant, black as night smudges.

Seeing them makes me want to physically vomit.

I can't stop wondering if my son is part of those blackened smudges.

If part of my Shmoops is mixed into those marks.

Wondering KILLS ME.

How the hell did it come to this?

Over the last 40 years, what could have possibly prepared me to deal with this?

Which chapter in (INSERT NAME OF ANY ONE OF THE GAZILLION CHILD REARING BOOKS OUT THERE) taught me how to cope with this reality?

I go to pick up milk.

I see where my son was cremated.

God help me.

2010-07-18T20:09:00.002-04:00

Sitting here with a sore throat and an increasingly heavy heart. Life is hard. I feel lost and helpless. And it's not fun.

Can't find words to truly describe what life has become for me.

Cuz quite frankly, there are none.

I am NOT in shock.

But I still can't believe this happened.

I can hear him. And see him.

Well, at least in my mind. And the mind is a tricky thing.

Sometimes I find myself staring at the front door. Closing my eyes really tight. Repeating common phrases he said OVER and OVER. As if doing all that will bring him back.

I cringe when it hits me all over again. And it does hit me repeatedly. Like rogue waves on a stormy sea.

It's been OVER three months.

I am as empty as I've ever been.

"Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy."

Saw this quote on a suicide survivor website.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

2010-07-12T13:05:00.003-04:00

Alone with my thoughts and hating every one of them. Feeling intense loss. Wondering how life will ever be "normal" again. Despising that my enter life will forever be linked to one horrible moment in time.

Wasn't going to write but thought, why not? Nothing helps so nothing can hurt, right?

Yes, I'm in counseling. But honestly? Not sure it's helping. But it might not be hurting so I continue to go.

The crying hasn't lessened. I do it at night. I do it in the shower. I do it in work. I TRY not to do it so much. I even try to hide it from John and Connor. Not that they have given me ANY reason to do so. I just hate that I do it SO MUCH.

I sniff his shirt...the one he changed out of only a short time before....it.

It still smells like him. I drape it over my head and die a little inside. Makes me wonder why I keep doing it. But I can't stop. So I won't.

I look at his name on my finger. I scream inside my head that I SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAD TO TATTOO MY SUICIDAL SON'S NAME ON MY FINGER. I think over and over that this is just a bad dream. Well it is. So there.

I look at pictures. Over and over. And I weep. There will be NO MORE PICTURES. Ever. I'll be a 90 year old woman someday and still be looking at CJ as a 20 year old man. Not 21, not 36, not 55. Just 20.

And then I pray. To who, I don't know. Things aren't crystal clear for me anymore. Don't know what or who I believe in anymore...if anything.

But I still pray.

That Connor will live until he's an old man. That he will experience everything his brother will miss. That he will have more joy than pain in his life. That he will be successful in whatever he chooses to do. That he may know the happiness that children will bring him.

That he will always know that I LOVE HIM MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. That NOTHING will ever be so bad, so hard, that his being gone would be the answer.

CJ's birthday was hell. Hell in a beautiful location, but hell nonetheless.

Wish July 3rd would just fall off the calendar. FOREVER.

There is nothing worth celebrating on that day anymore. My son CHOSE to KILL himself. For sure (at least right now) that totally overshadows his birth.

Still confused as to why people continue to reach out to me. I am NOT FUN. At all. And I still only respond occasionally. When I'm not crying. Or dying a little inside.

Or screaming at the computer screen, "YOU HAVE YOUR 20 YEAR OLD SON SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD, THEN WATCH HIM SWELL AND DIE, AND YOU SEE HOW AT PEACE YOU ARE." See how much YOU THINK he's in a better place.

Cuz people have said that. And I JUST DON'T GET IT.

He is NOT in a better place. Not for me anyway.

I miss you Shmoops so much.

SO. FREAKIN. MUCH.

76 Days

2010-06-30T16:35:00.002-04:00

Haven't had the urge or the desire or the energy to blog.

How many times can people tolerate hearing me say that my son killed himself?

That my son shot himself in the head?

That my 20 year old son, my firstborn child, is dead and will not celebrate his 21st birthday this weekend?

Can't imagine that anyone wants to hear me say ANYTHING anymore. All I have to say is sad. And depressing. And miserably pessimistic.

I don't feel like this is getting any easier. In many, many ways, it's getting harder. With each passing day, my reality becomes more obvious. A reality I hate with every fiber of my being.

My son is not coming back. Ever.

Ashes are all I have left.

Of my son.

My firstborn baby.

Awesome.

And I currently hate life. I do. Honestly.

I love John. I love Connor. I love my friends and family.

But I hate life in general. Which is so not me. Not at all. And it's a horrible way to feel.

And I cry. A lot. Tons and tons. At home. At work. In my car. In the shower. In bed. I cry so much. Poor John and Connor can't walk through the house most nights without finding me weeping. Nights suck. So much.

What else?

People seem to think I'm doing ok....such a joke. I'm not. I'm functioning because I have to. But I'm not ok. At all.

And now that I'm writing, people will think I'm even better.

I'm not.

I'm just sick of talking to myself.

I'm sad. And scared. And guilt laden.

I have a horrible movie that plays over and over in my head of CJ's last 5 minutes of life. Try being ok with that. Not easy.

I replay those moments PRAYING that the ending will be different. That my last words with him weren't what they were. That the last exchange we had wasn't a heated exchange. A fight. Angry words.

Try being ok with that. Not easy. Not easy at all.

Have I said I hate my life?

People have been wonderful. They reach out. They share their stories. And thoughts. And prayers.

And all I think is I WANT MY SON BACK.

NOW.

And some days they don't reach out. And it's quiet. And I hate that.

And all I still think is I WANT MY SON BACK.

NOW.

I barely answer people back. Probably most think I don't care. But I do. And I read it all. Just don't have the energy most days to say anything.

How long will people put up with me basically ignoring them?

And I worry about everything. ALL THE TIME.

And I'm much more random in my thoughts than I ever was.

But by know, after reading this, you know that. Obviously.

Again, how long will people put up with that?

I kiss his urn each day. I touch it when I walk by. I pat it.

And I think, HOW EFFED UP IS THAT? What mom wants to touch her son's urn?

I miss him so damn much.

His birthday is Saturday.

He would have been 21.

Don't forget to think about my son.

Light a CANDLE for him here. Or HERE.

Write something about him on his memorial site. Or on his FB page.

PLEASE?

I die a little bit inside each time I think he might be forgotten.

Truly a mom's worst nightmare.

I Will Never Again Read It Aloud But I Find Myself Returning To It Over and Over

2010-06-16T08:32:00.008-04:00

"Standing here in front of you all today is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. And standing here in front of you all today may not be the best idea. Because apparently, it’s not the norm to have a mom choose to eulogize her child. But for those of you that know me, you know I’m anything but a normal mom. And for those of you that knew my baby, you knew he was anything but a normal child. But that’s ok, because instead of ever being normal, CJ was always extraordinary.

Twenty years ago, John and I met this extraordinary little man. An adorable, mostly bald headed little guy that would change our lives forever.

And on that summer day all those years ago, as they placed him in my arms, I was the very first person to say hello to him.

Today, with my heart shattered in a million pieces, I will be the very last person to say goodbye.

It truly is the last gift I can give my beloved Shmoopy.

CJ was the light of our lives. He came into this world when John and I were practically babies ourselves. Yet, as young as we were, CJ’s arrival instantly felt right. We had no idea how to be parents and we had no idea what the future would hold, but we knew we loved that little man with an intensity that shocked us both.

Oh, how we loved him.

And we weren’t the only ones. CJ had a way, even as a baby, to make everyone love him.

I can honestly say, as I stand here, that my boy did that throughout his whole life.

CJ was, in the simplest of terms, a lover. A lover of life, a lover of friends and most importantly, a lover of family.

And for those of us that he loved, we sure knew it. Because CJ made us know it. And he made us remember it.

Thankfully, I have 20 years of memories of CJ loving on us. And although those memories will sustain us as we somehow find the strength to move forward without our precious firstborn, I can’t help cry out in anger that I don’t get to make more memories. That our future no longer holds the promise of many tomorrows as a family of four.

As CJ lay in that hospital bed, I told him how mad I was at him. How very, very mad I was that he took away my right to grow old watching my two boys live life to the fullest. But really, I wasn’t mad at all. I was and am, simply crushed. Crushed that I won’t get to see CJ be the man that I absolutely know he would have been, to see him be the wonderful daddy that I always knew he would be, and to see him walk proudly by his brothers side as they leaned on each other to navigate this crazy world.

Mostly though, I am crushed that I won’t get to see that smile again…that smile that has truly been melting the worlds heart since day one. CJ could and did light up a room simply by walking into it and flashing that big, beautiful, no braces necessary cheesy smile. It’s the cheesy smile he’s had since he was a toddler. It’s the cheesy smile you could see even when he happily toddled around with a giant rubber pacifier in his mouth. It’s the cheesy smile that was so big it touched every part of his face. It will forever and always be MY cheesy smile.

It’s a smile I hope you all remember as you think about our beloved son.. as you remember how you met him, how you knew him or how he touched your life. I hope that each and every one of you thinks of my baby now and again, with a smile on your face…a big fat cheesy smile if you can manage it. And I hope with all my might that his legacy of joy and his zest for life lives on within us for eternity.

CJ, you were my everything. And I’d give ANYTHING to have you back.

*I want you back so you can poke me over and over and over until I’m just about ready to scream.

*I want you back so you can hug me more in one setting than any one person can actually tolerate.

*I want you back so you can argue with me and roll your eyes, as if to say, “yeah right mom, whatever."

*I want you back so you and Connor can argue over what color jello to bring dad and I in the nursing home.

*I want you back so you can strut around in front of the mirror and tell us how truly good looking you really are.

*I want you back so you can walk through our front door and yell out, “well, hello there” to announce your arrival.

*I want you back so you can steal my Diet Coke and I can threaten to ground you if you don’t give it back.

*I want you back so you can tell me that I didn’t fail as your mom.

Mostly CJ, I just want you back to drive me crazy. Cuz boy oh boy, Shmoops, did you drive us crazy. You were not easy to parent, not easy at all. You were an old soul from day one and you sure knew how to push our buttons. But I’d give anything to have you push them all at one time again. Crazy, huh? Bet you’d never think you’d hear your mom give you permission to do that CJ, did you?

And I know CJ, that you CAN hear me. Because parts of you live on in others even as I speak. Can’t believe that it was just one year ago that you sat in Boston and listened to me read the letter I wrote to the family that donated a heart to your grandfather. You sat and cried as I thanked that family for giving the greatest gift any family can give to another. You hugged me and told me how proud you were of me.

And now today, I sadly sit on the other side of that equation. Today, because of you, not only do I know what it’s like to have a loved one receive the gift of life, but I now know what it’s like to have a loved one give the gift of life. And you know what CJ? I would have preferred to have never known that second part. Leave it to you to make me really put my money where my mouth is. Guess you knew that Dad and I would have the strength to carry out your wishes and give of you to help so many others. You really did like to have the last word didn’t you kiddo?

CJ, I pray that you’ve finally found the peace that you were looking for and that you are no longer suffering. I pray that although we will never truly be completely happy again, that you are now happier than you’ve ever been. I pray that you will watch over us all and help us each find a new normal without you. I especially pray that you stick close by Connor and help guide him on his journey. You may not be with him physically anymore but as your mom I INSIST you stay with him in spirit. He’s going to need to know that his big brother will always be there for him as he will always be there for you.

CJ, when you were about 2 ½ years old, and you wanted something from us, you would place your hands on daddy’s or my cheeks, look straight into our eyes and boldly ask, “ARE YOU SINKIN’ WHAT I’M SINKIN‘?

Well now CJ, it’s Dad and I that hold your precious face as we ask you the same thing. “Are you SINKIN’ what we're sinkin’?"

“Are you sinkin’ that we will miss you every day of our lives? Are you sinkin’ that we are honored that you chose us to be your mom and dad? And are you sinkin’ that we will always love you with that same intensity that we felt from the get go?"

CJ, I may not ever be able to tell you what to do again, but I’m telling you now as the last mom words I ever get to say to you, you BETTER be sinkin' those things.

Cuz Shmoopy, no truer words have ever been spoken.

I love you.

2010-06-06T10:22:00.004-04:00

It's like losing you all over again.

As if saying goodbye to you on April 15th wasn't hard enough.

Why did THIS news hit us so hard?

Can't stop thinking how sad it is.

I wanted to believe your heart was out there beating...somewhere.

That poor family.

To have had only a brief chance.

I grieve for them.

But for us, more.

Selfishly, I want your heart with us.

If it couldn't work for someone else, I wish it was with your ashes.

Makes no sense.

I know.

But true.

I know it was no more important than any other organ.

Three people woke up today because of you.

A man with your lungs.

A man with your right kidney.

A woman with your liver.

But your heart.

Is gone.

As is your left kidney.

Those people died...trying.

How tragic.

Yet reality.

My baby.

Your heart.

Is gone.

I know it was no more important than any other organ.

But it was.

It was your heart.

I miss you Shmoops.

A Bittersweet Moment...

2010-05-30T21:26:00.003-04:00

Our handsome son Connor and his girlfriend Katie on their way to the prom.

The only thing missing was his big brother to share the moment.

Love you Connor so much.

Miss you CJ with all my heart.

Please Help If You Can

2010-05-26T12:05:00.003-04:00

Getting close to placing the order for TEAM CJ shirts. We were asked to make them available for sale to everyone so that those that can't actually participate in the 18 mile OUT OF THE DARKNESS walk can be with us in spirit.

The shirts will look like these pics but CJ's photo will be in black and white (it prints better on the cotton).

There is NO PRESSURE at all to buy one. And certainly NO PRESSURE to wear it in your everyday life. Garden in it, paint in it, sleep in it, drink Diet Coke and eat Cheez-its in it (two of CJ's favorite things)....anything that keeps CJ in your thoughts and prayers.

The shirts will be $25 each (sizes S-XXL). This cost covers the shirt/printing/shipping AND leaves a little extra that will be added to our team fundraising total. It's and easy way for you to help our team meet (OR EXCEED) our goal.

Please let me know via a comment or to my home email fenwaydog@roadrunner.com

if you would like one. (please include size) I have Pay Pal for those that prefer to pay online. I can email you my pay pal info or our home address if you'd rather mail your payment.

Thank you in advance.

We miss our son more than words can say.

Cj Twomey Online Memorial | GoneTooSoon.org

2010-05-17T19:50:00.000-04:00

Cj Twomey Online Memorial GoneTooSoon.org

C.J...WE MISS YOU...

2010-05-15T21:00:00.013-04:00

Written by Dayna and Kimmy

Dear Friends,

It’s been four weeks since C.J.’s sudden and unexpected death and, for the Twomey family, each moment seems to take so much effort. Grief is a long process and each day has brought new challenges on top of the mountain of challenges already in front of them. Those who hold them close are struggling as they witness such horrific pain and longing. C.J. is missed in a way that is indescribable and the pain of his loss is truly unfathomable.

On Mother’s Day, Hallie, John and Connor, as a family, made the decision to participate in the “Out of the Darkness Overnight.” This is a walk sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention that they learned about through Hallie’s brother, David. After hearing about this walk, they made the decision to take this journey, together, as a family. Over the course of the last week, with the Twomey family’s blessing, the team has grown to include some of Hallie and John’s family as well as some of their closest friends.

“Out of the Darkness Overnight” is an 18-mile walk that will take place on June 26th-27th throughout the streets of Boston, beginning at dusk and continuing till dawn. We will all walk proudly beside them and support them during this journey. This is not just a walk to honor C.J., this is also a walk to prevent another family from ever feeling the horrific pain that the last four weeks has brought the Twomey family.

In light of that, each member of TEAM CJ must raise a minimum of $1000.00 to be able to participate. Hallie and John would want nothing more than for each member of the team to be able to walk with them on this journey. Would you consider supporting them? If so, we have thought of a few suggestions:

1. Please click here to donate to a member of TEAM CJ (you will find that every team member will be listed on this page). Please check to see how much each person has received and donate FIRST to those walkers who have NOT raised their minimum. Once all walkers have reached their minimum $1,000.00 donation, please continue to donate to whomever you wish.

2. If you are so moved, family and friends can also purchase Luminaries for the walk in the amount of $5.00 each. The bag will be sent to you to decorate and then for you to send back. These will be placed on the route and everyone will see these Luminaries in honor of C.J. as they walk throughout the night.

We recognize that many of you grew to love C.J. through Hallie’s words, descriptions, pictures and stories. We thought it would be nice to share with you a little about his funeral services. We know many of you would have like to have been there as we celebrated C.J.’s life and mourned his death.

Two funeral services were held for C.J. The first service was in Maine, where he lived most of his life. This was held just a week after his death. The service in Maine was preceded by a wake, where a phenomenal slide show of C.J.’s life, lovingly made by his Aunt Shelley, played in the background. Pictures of C.J. adorned the room and family, friends, neighbors and loved ones all came together to support each other, to hug each other and to hold the Twomey family up in prayer. Hallie’s brother, David, read an amazing poem entitled, "Letter from Heaven", that was given to Hallie by a friend. The next morning, at the funeral home, a full military honors ceremony was performed with TAPS being played and Connor receiving his brother’s American Flag. Afterwards, everyone made their way to the church and many commented on how long the funeral procession was, which stretched for miles.

*
The second service, similar to the one in Maine, was held just outside of Boston. Hallie and John are originally from that area and C.J. was born in that area as well. It made Hallie so happy to learn that John was able to locate the priest who baptized C.J. 20 years ago. It truly was a blessing to have Father Paul preside over C.J.’s final service.

At both services, Hallie eulogized C.J. with John and Connor literally standing on either side of her. Followers of this blog will not be surprised to learn that her words were eloquent, poignant, heartbreaking and funny all at the same time. Hallie began her eulogy by saying that, while it’s apparently not protocol for a mother to eulogize her son, she was not a normal mother and C.J. was not a normal son… he was an extraordinary one. Truer words have never been spoken.

*
C.J. was extraordinary. From the smile that rarely left his face, to the way he gave to others and the way he seemed to love life. And, this is what makes his death that much more heartbreaking. Just four short weeks ago, C.J. took his own life and that has left a mountain of questions and a lifetime of hurt. Of course, with many suicides, “why” is a question that will forever haunt all who loved him.

*
Many have asked how the Twomey family is doing. Hallie and John long to hold C.J. again, to talk to him, to have him walk in the room or pose with that cheesy smile. The grief is not only for the loss of their beloved son, but for the future they thought they would have together. The future that included watching their son grow into a man, become a husband and someday a father. Last week, Hallie and John returned to work, but each day does not bring them any closer to peace, but rather deeper in grief as it sinks in that C.J. will not be coming home. The longing grows; as does the intensity.

*
Connor misses his brother and has shown grace and maturity well beyond his 16 years. One of the most touching moments of the service was at the wake when Hallie was kneeling in front of C.J.'s ashes, crying. Connor knelt down beside her, put his arm around her, pulled her head to his shoulder and kissed the top of her head. This is a family that is held together by their love and support for each other. Connor’s grief is real and his world has been forever changed. As Hallie said at the funeral, Connor’s future with his brother has been robbed; they were supposed to argue over what color Jell-O to bring John and Hallie in the nursing home.

*
Of course, extended family and friends have been devastated by C.J.'s death as well. Both Hallie and John’s families have been an amazing source of support, as have the amazing neighbors who were already like family to the Twomey’s. They have graciously stepped in to give support, cook meals, offer friendship and to just be someone to sit with. The blog friends near and far have also been an enormous support and little Charlie, C.J.’s pen pal, was able to be with the Twomey family at the second funeral service.

*
Hallie, John and Connor are so thankful for your messages of support, for the donations made to the fund started on their behalf, but they are most thankful for your unwaivering love and your continued prayers. The pain has not lessened and the longing for C.J. continues, but they are grateful that so many people are there to share in their memories of C.J., to support them, to love them and to pray for them.

We would like to share a very special song that Hallie and John picked out in honor of their son. Hallie used to remind C.J. all the time they would someday dance to this song at his wedding. The truth could not be said more simply than this:

*
"You'll be in my Heart" by Phil Collins.

C.J., we all love you and miss you with every breathe we take...

*NOTE FROM HALLIE*

As a way to unite our team and as a way to honor our beloved son, John, Connor and I have designed TEAM CJ shirts to be worn by our team walkers on the 18 mile "Out of the Darkness/Overnight" walk through Boston. John and I will buy a shirt for each of our team members so that we will all proudly display CJ's handsome face as we walk.

We were asked by several different people to offer these same shirts for sale to anyone that can not walk physically with the team, but would like to be with us in spirit. It was suggested that selling TEAM CJ shirts to anyone that is interested, would be a great way to raise more money for the walk. Each shirt will be available for between $25.00 and $30.00. (not yet sure of the exact final cost) This amount will cover the cost of the shirt and shipping and still allow us to have a little left over to donate to any team member that has not yet met their goal. (if all team members meet their goal, we will just add the additional money to the team total. Every dollar makes a difference...the more we raise, the better.)

There is absolutely no pressure for you to purchase a shirt. We were simply asked to offer it as an option. The pics below show the shirt in a draft form. The final version is not yet completely finished. The shirt WILL look very close to the ones in the pic. If you are interested in purchasing one, please email me at fenwaydog@roadrunner.com indicating how many shirts you would like and in what sizes.

Here is the back of the shirt. It is one of the sayings 2 1/2 year old CJ said whenever he wanted something. He would put his hands on either side of John's or my face and boldly state, "ARE YOU SINKIN' WHAT I'M SINKIN'?" This question was usually followed up with, "I'M SINKIN' I NEED ANOTHER COOKIE!"

He was awesome. I miss him more than I can describe.

Hallie